2010 Wrap Up

I remember the end of 2009 when practically everyone said " I win in 2010" and other things to that effect. Well for me I had no idea what 2010 had in store for me. All I can say is that this year was probably one of the hardest times in my life but definitely the biggest growth spurt I've had mentally and emotionally. I also learned that I'm more resilient than i thought.

Truthfully, I thought I wouldn't make it. Getting sick from some crazy inexplicable kidney infection, taking care of my cousin, and losing my friend. Also that night I got drunk and ended up in the ER. I didn't realize the stress I was under and I was pushing all my problems aside. However, I persevered and did make some accomplishments.I start school on January 18th which is a great way to kick off a new year. Once again I have no resolutions for the New Year. The only goal I see has always been my goal and that's to get this education and reach my level of success. The only difference is that this year there is nothing in the way. What excuse can I use this time?

Booming Like An 808

Update!!!
I totally got accepted into Mercy College! I will be attending Spring Semester 2011! Unfortunately they only accepted 19 of my transfer credits but it's better than nothing! So I was thinking about BA's in Sociology, Music Education, or Music Industry and Production. So yes I am undecided.

I'm proud of myself for making that effort to go back. It took me to realize that going out and taking risks aren't always as scary as they seem. Yeah I may be broke while going but I know the money will come eventually. What's struggling for 3 more years? I really only have one person to thank for their consistent voice in my head saying "Have you applied yet? When are you going to do it?" Thank You =D!! You know who you are! Wish me luck kiddos and hope that I wont be bald by Spring Break!

Its Been A While

I know I left you guys on pens and needles for 3 months.... Or not. But I think I am officially back for good. Things have been rough of course. Especially with my lap top breaking. I'll see if I can salvage it by buying a new Hard Drive.

Well I'm actually in Virginia right now visiting my mother and brother for the Christmas holiday. It has turned out to be a horrible trip from the uncomfortable bus ride to me getting kicked out the house. Yeah great times.

While I'm deciding on how to get back home to Brooklyn when the whole mid Atlantic to North East coast is in a stand still due to snow I figure I hop on my desktop to tidy up my messy blog. I'm just going to keep my blog very minimal for now because me and templates don't get along. Any way..stay tuned!

Random Ep:3

So the other night I was trying to do something to my blog layout and now it looks like someone poured pepto bismol all over my page. *sigh*

I'll get to fixing it eventually...

Anyway, I've just been feeling very alone lately because I am majority of the time. I guess I'll have to get used to not having friends or a social life. But, till next time.....

PT. 2 The Grass Is Never Greener

Situation 2:

I'm going to keep this one short and sweet. You cant build love on hurt. I won't point this person out or anything, but we came together during very rough times in our lives.

He was having problems at home and I was dealing with the loss of my friend. These situations were so intense and since we both needed to get away, we confided in each other. I just knew that since we were both somewhat emotionally broken that we could only build up together. WRONG!

Long story short, he was weak and so was I. We both couldn't play that role. I agree that people should be 50-50 in a relationship but some aspects someone must hold the "Upper Hand" . I needed him to be strong for me and I ultimately couldn't deal with him and I breaking down practically daily. I broke it off with him like 2 times saying that we need to get our selves together. I know that sounds like some stupid generic response but I meant that. We had issues and I was growing tired of having to soothe him and try to find time for myself.

I let my complete guard down with him and he did that a little. I felt that he held back a lot of information as far as his situation and why it took such a huge toll on him. Anyway I broke it off via phone since we are hundreds of miles apart. Then he was angry and hung up in my ear. I gave him 3 reasons why I was done with him ( with the utmost respect might I add).

In return I get called "unlovable, a fuck toy, miserable, and moody" To top that off, according to him those are the reasons why I don't have friends. And this was the cherry on top, " The past two days let me know that I do have friends and people who care about me ( OH YES, ALL MINE ARE LIVING AT THE MOMENT)..." That last part kinda singed my heart because he truly set out to hurt me. My dead friend has nothing to do with him and I.

The day before she passed, she told me she didn't like him and that was their first time meeting. Maybe it was relevant maybe not. I learned a valuable lesson though, if you aren't together emotionally don't look for someone else to invest your emotions in or expect them to do the same. Its impossible! ( I didn't expect it to get this long. ) I thought him and I had a great thing going but I was WRONG. I know I shouldn't be jaded but its hard to completely be vulnerable to the next man.

xoxoxoxo

The Grass Is Never Greener

I have got to this off my chest. I've been bothered for the past week and then reminded again a couple days ago of why it is best to keep your guard up and never interact with the enemy.

Situation #1: I decided to visit my old boss at the Salon while I was in the area. I walked past the shop and no one was in there so I went to the barbershop next door and started to talk to one guy that had interest in me some time back and I asked him if the salon is still there. He said that she still had the shop. I let him know that I was thinking about going over there just to say "Hi" and be on my way. Since things ended badly between her and I, I wanted her to know that I'm over her accusing me of stealing and some other drama that stemmed from her being jealous of me for reasons everyone else saw and I didn't. I guess that's because I want to believe that people aren't always evil and have good intentions. Boy was I dreaming.

Anyway later that evening I walked to the corner store and I saw the guy and he said that the salon was open and my old boss wanted me to stop by. I was kind of nervous but when I walked in I gained my composure and as usual she had no customers. And as soon as I set foot in the door she says smiling " Hey Amber, you look pretty" And I said thanks and then she started talking about how the tattoo shop a few doors down was her and she pointed out to me how she redecorated and other mess like she had to prove something to me. Then she asked what I have been doing and I told her I was still doing temp work making good money. Then she asked me if I would do nails again and I laughed looked her in her eyes and laughed and told her that she knows there's no money in it because of the location. Then she turned the channel on the tv and the Nicki Minaj video was on and she asked the guy why guys like her? And then she says before he could respond and said "its because she's light skinned." Then the guy goes on about how his childrens mother is dark skinned. Then I got thrown in there and she said "stop lying all guys go for girls Amber's complexion". She said that with so much hate as if I wasn't even standing there. And there were 2 other females sitting in the shop, both brown skinned and they agreed with her. So I knew it was time to leave. I told her "see you later." All that was expected but what got me was about a week ago, a mutual friend of me, the guy from the barbershop, and my old boss sent me a text saying " Oh (the guy from the barbershop) is your man now?" And I was so baffled because I thought this person was my true friend to assume and not ask me. So I responded with something to the effect of: You should know me better than that for me to deal with him. My "friend" never responded back and I got to thinking that my old boss is the root of that. Its ashamed that this woman in her mid 30's is jealous of me. She has 2 questionable businesses, but they are still hers. Her own house an education a son and 2 cars. I don't have any of that and I'm not close to having any of that. Its a shame that women can not uplift each other and stop spreading rumors about each other because the next girl is pretty, or has long hair, or bigger breasts, and dresses better than you. Life would be so drama free and you wouldn't have to be fake "haters" and consume so much energy on negativity if we accept ourselves first. But I digress.
I'm not speaking to any of them anymore. I know how they feel about me. More reason for me to not have friends.

Pt 2 to the grass is greener coming up soon.

♥♥♥

Random Ep: 2

I was just thinking about my friend that passed and I couldn't help but to remember the people that didnt like her.

When we worked together at TeleTech I saw how a lot of the females looked at her like she was strange. Maybe because of her breast bone piercing, her lip ring, and the tattooed breast. I just think its weird that people judge you solely on appearance and then again everyone doesn't think like me.

Then when she was working at Sprint she used to tell me about the females there that made it so apparent that they didn't like her. That thought crosses my mind all the people that attended the funeral that she used to work with.

So it brings me to these questions "How do those people feel about her now since she has been victimized and now she's gone? Do they have a guilty conscience for talking about her? And what about the ones that spread rumors about her, or used her and did her wrong?"

Yeah her death had nothing to do with these people but its just a thought that crosses my mind. I would have so much guilt in that situation. But that's all for now

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Young and Fun

I figure I do a post that's not so depressing.

Soooo, I'm obsessed with Make-up, doing my nails, and shopping. I never really had this problem before but I guess it came to surface when I needed to cure my love of liquor.

My make-up collection is HUGE!!! Mostly eye shadows, lip gloss, and lip stick. Whenever I get paid I have got to get more.I'm obsessed with matte eye shadows and pink lip sticks. I always see a color that I don't own and a shade of lipstick that will look perfect on me.

Nail Polish is on a whole different level. I have a big shopping bag of nail polish, nails, design brushes, nail decals, emery boards, files, tools and buffers. I used to do nails so that could be the reason why. Painting my nails is so relaxing. Coming up with something simple and funky is sooo dope to me. Since I'm into geometric and color block I always come up with some mod cool design. Just like my make-up though, I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH!!!

And lastly... Clothes, accessories and shoes (hugs self). I need to come up with a way to organize all my stuff. I have a ton of shoes, too many earrings, and not enough clothes. I think every woman feels like they could use something new. My obsession right now is girly cute vintage clothes and accessories. For instance I found this Red Dior over sized Blazer. Its tooo dope. I just need to get some money to buy it. I also need a nice pair of brown or black oxfords. And I need a leather belt and some twill cigarette legged pants. That's it...

Tis, all for now.. And if anyone wants to Donate to the Amber's Fall Collection.. just email me.. LOL j/k

WHOA... Who would have thought?!

Damn... Its already been over a month since my best friend died. Yup, she's gone. Im still in disbelief though.

I'm not gonna get into how she left this earth because it doesn't matter.

Jasmine and I had a great relationship from the start. I met her in late 2007 when we were both working at Tele-tech. Her desk was right next to mine and it took some time for us to start speaking to each other. However when we started talking we instantly clicked. Then we eventually started going to lunch together and waiting for each other to log off the phones at the ends of our shifts. We got extremely close. When I met her she was a tiny little thing and she used to run down the long hallway and just do these crazy pelvic thrusts like she was humping. She made jokes about EVERYTHING!! Actually to think about it our whole relationship was full of laughs.

It was rare that I saw her mad or sad. To think back I can only think of 2 instances when shit really got to her.

I'm not going to lie though, I had my doubts about her sometimes because she took to me so much. I guess I would somewhat avoid her. Plus, I had someone to play the role of my best friend. Soon to find out that that girl was never truly my friend. So once me and that other girl parted ways it was all about me and Jasmine's friendship. She would come over to my house all the time. My family really liked her and then my sister started to do her hair. So, if I wasn't home she would come over and get her hair done. Even when i switched jobs we remained close.

I remember when I told her I got a job elsewhere she was so sad that I was leaving the job. Then She got a new job and she was telling me how great her job was at Sprint and I decided that I would try to work there and be closer to home. I got hired and she used to stand outside my training room and yell my name through the door while looking through the glass. LOL She didn't care at all.

And the way she used to talk to me... she was so funny and loose. She used to call me a "curly headed bitch" . It was all out of love though. Then she started calling me "Pampers" and I called her "Spasm".

Soon I lost my job at Sprint in 2008 and I was really depressed and she got me out the house a few times which I really needed. She even bought me a few CD's. Then she did me a huge favor by hooking me up with a cell phone and everything. She insisted I did that. That was one of the many times that she helped me out.

Then I decided that I was gonna move to Brooklyn and she was so sad. looking back on things I didn't give her the heads up that I was leaving and she was kinda mad at me. However, she made it her business to come visit me. She even offered to pay for me to come to Virginia a few times.

The times I came to Virginia she was always the 1st person to come see me and the way she screamed my name when she came through the door to hug me was so special. Its like no matter how long it was the last time I saw her or spoke with her we got right back to where we left off. We would talk , laugh, and joke about everything. Almost every time we were together I would crack up in tears from the way she reenacted stories.

My mother would always tell Jasmine, "Don't just come over when Amber is in town" We all enjoyed her company.

But, when she came to New York the first time with Jen that was a new scene and a more fun and wild Jasmine. These were the best times I had with her. Uninhibited and caring wild Jasmine. This time when she was here she started to cry because I was telling her that when I lost my job I was drinking excessively. She really cared for me. She actually made me feel really guilty that I was drinking like that

I had been through a lot since her visit. I was hospitalized for guess what? DRINKING. Since she was so concerned and thought I had a problem I couldn't tell her. But my sister told her and she called me upset and crying. She asked me if I knew that I could have killed myself? She was really crying because she loved me.

Anyway the last time she was here I spent the night with her twice and she ordered me room service and took me out to eat. She met my grandparents and my uncle. We had a blast that time.

The last time I saw Jasmine was on July 3, 2010. I just miss that girl like crazy. People that really new about our relationship would say that we were gay for each other. Maybe we were. i touched her pierced nipples, she touched my butt. She used to flash me all the time and I never really put up much of a fight when she touched me inappropriately. She was truly a genuine person and its hard saying goodbye. This is really one of the hardest things that Ive had to cope with. It seems like some people are just too pure for the cruel world we live in and she was definitely one of them.. She will forever be loved and missed by so many friends and family.

Love you so much Jas.

Coping

It's been a while again. I'm just dealing with so much.

I feel like I know who I am, but on the other hand do I really because i don't know what I want out of life and if I am on the right path. I thought things were getting better but life keeps testing me. I was working this temp job and I had a great chance of getting hired permanently and making great money. I had to let it go though. Losing my close friend put a lot of things into perspective.

Lately, I feel like I live my life according to what other people think is best for me. Looking back at the decisions I made it was always what someone told me or was influenced by someone else. I guess my justification is that I applied that "constructive criticism" to my life.

But, today I was talking with my cousin who is about to attend college in a few weeks and I had an epiphany. I realized that I am about to be 23 years old in October. So I tried to think of the things I have accomplished and I am coming up short. In less than 5 minutes I realized that I have got to go back to school.

As much as I hated school and as much as I'm passionate about music, I figure that I sacrifice a few years to pursue an actual credible craft and art with something I am already great at doing.

Yes its a damn shame that it took me about 5 years too late to come up with a solid plan for my future, but better late than never.

Exes and Oh's

Random Ep: 1

First installment of my random thoughts...

I hate mouth noise with a passion. Like what the fuck is that all about. Its like that shit just amplifies and the hairs on my neck stand. Its like you're smacking with no food in your mouth.

Whats most annoying is when I'm at work and I have my music as loud as possible and I hear your mouth noise. It drives me crazy. Like I even stop interacting with some people because of mouth noise.

i am completely baffled about the noise because I don't know if its you re freaking lips or tongue. It reminds me of mixing something wet like mashed potatoes, or pasta, or cake batter. I just get this bad attitude and then i give them the ill side eye. Whatever though, its just a pet peeve of mine that I had to get off my chest.

See Ya Later

EXCUSE ME...

Friday afternoon I was on the train and I was making my final transfer and I spotted a seat next to this lady and this small guy. So as soon as I sat down the train pulls off and my whole ass ended up on this guys chest and shoulders. So Mister with the Robin Williams fore arms, my bad.

I really am sorry because there was nothing he could do. The poor guy couldn't have put his hands up because he would have gotten a handful of ass. He didn't have a chance against my butt because he couldn't even like scoot over or move his body because he was against the wall. Now that doesn't excuse my ass all up in has face when i still have a problem with train seats.

My gripe with the trains is that some of them have those seats where its like a couch minus the softness, "this is your cushion and don't hang over on my side" That's damn near impossible because when I sit down I spread so I hang all over the seat. So I'm always apologizing for my ass or hips hanging over on somebody.

Maybe I'll get a wide load sign or flashing lights when I'm about to sit down.

I always end up on someones lap or I try to squeeze in between two people. Ehhh but oh well. But for everyone that had to experience my hips and ass I apologize..

You Can't Stop The Reign

Hey Guys!!!

So me and my TJ were talking about if we ever had sex and set the mood with music and I felt that i should just do a short entry of the song that was played and my response.

I'm not gonna give any info on the guy.. I'll keep him anoymous **snickers**
So i walk in and all the lights are off and we start to get into the mood and then eventually INSERTION and we're going at it. So about 10 - 15 minutes later i hear this all so familiar introduction. I t was Shaq "You Can't Stop The Reign" So while Im bent over I'm still in shock and he keepps pumping and I stopped him and said " I know you not playing Shaq while we doing it" HE responds, "What?! This is a great song."

His tone of voice was like "how could I NOT have that on my playlist?"
Anyway.. We humped through the rest of the song.. Just imagine Humping to THIS Sound effects and ALL

I Didn't Sign Up For This

I could bore you with a million stories and situations but I'll cut to the chase..
My Lil cousin has been with me since February because her mother decides to "kick" her out basically. Cops were involved and Child Protective services. So she came to live with me middle of February and has been here ever since.

From then until now I have been dealing with tears, arguments, court dates, bad attitude, financial issues, mental issues, lack of privacy, and disrespect.
I understand the child is 13, but I figure by that age a child knows right from wrong. But then again based upon her circumstances and her mother maybe I'm reaching. (I know I'm being vague as hell but the last entry tells a Lil background info)

Ahh what the hell she was abused and I am the fall guy. So since that day I have been unable to work and have a life. I know that it was for a good cause and at the time I really felt great about doing such a good thing. But retrospectively not so much the same sense of hope and promise for this little girl and my sanity. Basically she's a very manipulative person.

Some part of me feels like maybe she drove her mother to the point of no return and went off on her. That doesn't make it right but I found myself feeling like I wanted to choke that little girl up. I got so mad that i grabbed her arms and got in her face and told her to get out of my room. I felt really bad afterwards because I know that scared her and I know she has never seen me that angry. But, for the whole time she has been here I bottled up everything and the lid popped. Daily I have to deal with her following behind me EVERYWHERE! Even into the bathroom. When I say she is on my ass I mean that in the most literal sense. She talks slang all the time and I tell her that she needs to talk like a lady and she says" I'm not a lady". If I just got off the phone she questions who I was talking with and what we were talking about. When i worked a few days she asked me what I was going to spend my money on. This is the little 13 year old girl with the Prada shoes.

She walks around with this sense of entitlement talking about dark-skinned people, people from the projects, and anyone that looks unkempt. So I am trying to instill different things in her but she's not absorbing anything. So it's these little things that have been eating away at me.

Now her father has not even been there really, even though she visits him every weekend he doesn't have to go back and forth to school to pick her up because she's suspended or has an exam and there are early dismissals. Or the schools calling me about her blatant disrespect and obnoxious ways. That's all my responsibility and I never called him to tell him because I learned that he doesn't know how to discipline her even after I reached out to him to tell him I was having problems.

Thursday after it all went down I tried calling her father to tell him that I was done with the situation and here it is Sunday and no one has called me. I can only imagine that she fabricated the occurrence and gave a one sided view. I have a million thoughts are going through my head right now. She may never return from her fathers house but only to get her belongings but I feel that she now knows she cant get over on me and I am standing up for myself and she cant manipulate me. She can pull the wool on her fathers eyes but not mine.

I don't think she's coming back and I'm fine with that. I just feel bad things ended this way, even though I apologized and I didn't have the opportunity to let her father know how things really are with her. But I'm done and ready to get my life back..

IT's Been A Minute

With all that has been going on in my life I haven't really had the chance to update my blog regularly. Its like as soon as I thought things were getting better, things have changed.

I'm more than sure that things could get worse but life is a little to much right now.
I looked at my blogger dashboard and I have 4 unfinished blogs.. *sigh*

THis is a quick rundown of whats been going on
-I have a crazy ass cousin that keeps disappearing leaving her 3 year old daughter for weeks at a time
-My other little cousin is dealing with abuse (her mother is the aunt that took me to Hawaii)
-Still facing unemployment and depression
-And just recently I had a BAC of 1.60 so I ended up in the hospital

Well whoever you believe in just pray or hope for my mental stability and that my family will one day get it together.

MY MOM is Sooo Embarassing

Oh yeah! Im talking to my mother again. Anyway.. My last sexual experience was with a guy that I have had a thing for..for about 9 years. To cut to the chase I wanted it so bad by this point in time that when it happened it was terrible..

By terrible I mean PAINFUL for me. Size issues SMH.. How embarrassing?! I still love him though...

Anyway TODAY, he calls me and asks me for my sister's number because his friend wants it.. I gave him a hard time and told him that he only calls when he wants something. He completely ignores me and asks for the number again. I gave it to him.

So just a few minutes ago my sister says "I just got finished doing his and his best friend's hair." I thought oh wow okay.

Now he is a BIG GUY! I mean like 6'7 probably like 300 pounds. My mother saw him before but I guess she forgot and says "Oh ____! You hurt my daughter.." Then she walks off.

Moral of the story.. Never give your mother specific details of a past sexual experience because it will bite you in the butt. LOL