I Was Waiting For You

Well, I haven't spoken to my mother in like almost 2 months. Reason: She's crazy plain and simple. She stopped talking to me after the family reunion.

Anyway, it has kinda been bothering me but then again she is negative and mean to me. She automatically assumed I had an attitude when I was in Virginia and told my sister she was ready for me to leave.

AfterI was told I was unwelcome my sister was supposed to leave on a thursday night and I dropped her off at the airport. She gave me her car insurance money to give to my mother. That night I was to leave I handed my mother the money and she was smiling like I was just giving her a stack of cash for GP (general purpose).

I know she was having money problems but seriously what in her mind went off to think I was giving her money knowing i was broke and still didnt have a job. So I said, "This is Ebony's insurance money" and her face dropped.

An hour later she dropped me off tto the bus station and I was about to leave and I asked her if she was gonna hug me and she was acting like I asked her to give me a limb or something. Then I told her bye and while Im walking away she says "Next time you come here drop tthe attitude or dont come at all." I asked her what I did wrong and she couldnt answer me. And i asked her, "how can I correct mmyself if I dont know wwhat I did wrong?"

so since then there has been no IMs calls or txt messaging. i dont feel bad about it though. My life feels sso right right now. I never felt she supported me in anything.

Come to think of it ssshe treated me kinda wrong while growing up. For instance: multiple beatings in one day, practically locking me in a dark hot garage (at one point in time i was deathly afraid of the dark), being called stupid constantly, getting kicked out the house, and to top it off when she told me and my sister her and my dad were getting divorced me and my sister cried. She told me, "shut up!! you only crying because your sister is."

who says that or does that to a child. I know I was a handful growing up but i used to tell her that her calling me stupid really upset me and for her to beat me with no reason or correction messed my head up.

Then she claims that she doesnt want to have a relationship with her daughters thats like the non exsistent relationship she has with her mother. Its kinda too late though because i'm grown now and sooo many great things are happening and I share them wwith my Grandma (not her mother). She listens and doesnt judge me. She supports me and feeds me positivity.

Truthfully I dont need anything from my mother. The only thing I need is my damn bond.

It seems kinda harsh but Im trying to lead a positive lifestyle and sadly she's bringing me down. I was subconscientously waiting on her call... but Im done waiting for an apology or call thats never gonna come.

RELAX

Yeah that's what I need to do. I am finally getting my life together and my brain is constantly going 3 trillion mph... I keep thinking ahead instead of living for the moment.. I can't help but obsess over my future and the way I want things to be.

Possibilities of relationships with new people and how my choices today are equivalent to the Chaos Theory (according to my life of course)... IDK I need to find a way to center my thoughts/put them in order and ULTIMATELY chill because I may just blow a fuse with all this thinking.

Hmmmmph, tis all for now!