And I don't only mean of the romantic type.
Family problems, finances, employment, career goals, confidence... Good grief. The list goes on and on.
All the while I still don't really have someone to confide in. I am quite frankly tired of trying to be vulnerable to someone and saying exactly what is on my mind without any judgement or generic advice. There are all these temporary fixes to finding happiness and being grateful for what I do have in my life, but this.. whatever I am dealing with is going on longer than 3 years.
As of late I have been trying to stay extremely busy, stay OUT of the house, and or sleep. But those idle moments before bed, waking up, and those dreaded train rides allows me to deal with myself and my problems and it's all too much.
I'm just tired of it all. Pretending like everything is okay is not cutting it anymore. But the fear of me revealing my feelings could be taken as me being melodramatic or attention seeking. I just think too much.
I thought I was rock bottom before.. Can't get any lower than this.
Morosely Me
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
WHY IS IT SO HARD!?
I know I know.. it isn't supposed to be easy either. Well I am down to the wire. I am almost tapped out completely and I still haven't found a job. I revise my resume soo often in hopes that a job will come through but so far, BAD results.
Last summer I found myself in a similar situation and I got myself out luckily but this week something needs to happen. Im tired of not doing the things I want to do like travel, shop, help others, and just feel secure. Im going to be 24 this year and I feel like Im headed no where fast..still
At least school starts next month, but what am I going to do from now till then?
Last summer I found myself in a similar situation and I got myself out luckily but this week something needs to happen. Im tired of not doing the things I want to do like travel, shop, help others, and just feel secure. Im going to be 24 this year and I feel like Im headed no where fast..still
At least school starts next month, but what am I going to do from now till then?
Alright Already
I've been quite annoyed recently.
Just 6 short days ago, it has been a year since I lost my friend Jasmine. I was a little down and stayed in the house all day even though I promised myself I would not do that. The fact that she's gone bothered me, but not as much as my grandparent's comments about how I handled her death.
They pretty much said, "You kids these days throw away jobs and opportunities like its nothing." And I responded with, "I never gave up a job." I was so kindly reminded that I quit my assignment last summer that I was about 2 weeks into when she passed.
I explained to them that I just couldn't hop back on the bus and come back up here like life was going to be the same. Then my grandmother told me that when my Aunt died she got a week to grieve and went right back to work at the hospital. I commend her for that because I don't know how I could cope with loss then pretty much walk right back into a place that's full of death. But how could she compare deaths?! Yes I know that me and Jasmine were not as close as a mother and daughter but how could she say that I was just lazy and didn't want to work.
As if the circumstances of her death were not traumatic like any other death. And I don't even tell the whole story of her death, I knew her killer too. He's been in my house, we partied together, and worked together too, so for him to take his life as well hurts just as much.
Its just so much stuff that occurred during that time and I have not healed. I tried talking to my grandmother in particular about it but its like "I know you lost a friend, but they're replaceable unlike a daughter." So she will never know the full extent of my struggle with losing my best friend.
I may be wrong, but with my Aunt's death everything is clear cut. We know how and why she died. It was a terminal illness and we know she suffered and it all had to end at the tender age of 26. However, my friends life was snatched away, maliciously with no justice served. She was targeted by her ex-lover, my friend. Then he took his own life. Whatever, I'm no better for making that comparison myself.
Just 6 short days ago, it has been a year since I lost my friend Jasmine. I was a little down and stayed in the house all day even though I promised myself I would not do that. The fact that she's gone bothered me, but not as much as my grandparent's comments about how I handled her death.
They pretty much said, "You kids these days throw away jobs and opportunities like its nothing." And I responded with, "I never gave up a job." I was so kindly reminded that I quit my assignment last summer that I was about 2 weeks into when she passed.
I explained to them that I just couldn't hop back on the bus and come back up here like life was going to be the same. Then my grandmother told me that when my Aunt died she got a week to grieve and went right back to work at the hospital. I commend her for that because I don't know how I could cope with loss then pretty much walk right back into a place that's full of death. But how could she compare deaths?! Yes I know that me and Jasmine were not as close as a mother and daughter but how could she say that I was just lazy and didn't want to work.
As if the circumstances of her death were not traumatic like any other death. And I don't even tell the whole story of her death, I knew her killer too. He's been in my house, we partied together, and worked together too, so for him to take his life as well hurts just as much.
Its just so much stuff that occurred during that time and I have not healed. I tried talking to my grandmother in particular about it but its like "I know you lost a friend, but they're replaceable unlike a daughter." So she will never know the full extent of my struggle with losing my best friend.
I may be wrong, but with my Aunt's death everything is clear cut. We know how and why she died. It was a terminal illness and we know she suffered and it all had to end at the tender age of 26. However, my friends life was snatched away, maliciously with no justice served. She was targeted by her ex-lover, my friend. Then he took his own life. Whatever, I'm no better for making that comparison myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)