Through It All still

So I have 2 days left here in Virginia. On Friday I will be on my way to my new home in Brooklyn. I'm living with family there so I won't be alone. However, I am leaving my Mommy, Lil Brother, and my Big Sister Ebony.

I am going to miss them all dearly, but especially Ebony. I know that's kind of harsh but we are super close. She's my best friend/better half/ partner in crime/Ace/ right hand.. (you get the picture)

She told me she is going to miss me too. But, today I felt otherwise. I feel like I annoy her sometimes and she does talk to me like a little kid. We have been arguing like crazy lately. Maybe because subconsciously we are mad we are parting.

I swear I love being up under her. I look up to her regardless of all her decisions and mistakes. She is the effin coolest. I love her so much but she cut me deep. She was leaving the house when I was pulling up. I asked her, "where you going?" She said, "I'm about to go to the movies."

Of course I wanted to go.. but to make a long story short I had to pee and she didn't want to wait for me. She didn't text me or call me to ask if I wanted to go. She said, "I just want to go by myself."

Yup she pulled my heart right outta my chest. It may seem small to you, but to me every single second counts for me. Because come next week I can't tweet her or text her and say "Okay see ya when you get home, or wanna come to the store with me?"

Those are the little moments and outings I enjoy and look forward to. I almost cried when she turned me down. I TRULY understand that sometimes that people need time to themselves when they are going through some things, but why this week?

I know I could be wrong and seem selfish but could one not think the same for her. I don't know who is wrong here. Of course I still love her to death and I forgive her....

we been doing it BIG since the beginning

And still do NOW

More About Men

This weekend I was Richmond/Petersburg for my step-brother's High School graduation. I was excited to be there and take part in all those festivities. However, I knew some skeletons would resurface. I felt it and it rocked me to the core.

Now this affect of the upcoming events was not fear or joy it was because I didn't know what to expect. I DID know that I would run into a guy that I had a thing for for about 6 or 7 years now... Surprisingly enough he was my step-brothers half brother.

Let me further explain... My stepmother's stepson from a previous marriage. Does that make sense? Either way we are in no direct relation, for that matter indirect as well.

So years ago, we met when we visited my father about an hour and a half away with his new GF *by the way we knew that they were involved while my parents were together* So all the while my sister and I knew was that she had a 10 or 11 year old son.

We get there and we meet her, the son, and in comes Mister (yes we will call him Mister) with the caramel colored skin, big brown eyes, athletic build, nice smile, and great height.

I swear when I saw him my heart pitter pattered and our eyes locked. So we stayed up all night talking. He was a senior in high school and I was a freshman. Then we kissed and that thing turned my world upside down. It was more so what he said that made it so sweet and innocent. He said " I want to do something but I know if I just go for it you might slap me." I said "I would never hit you." Then we kissed and I felt it all over my body.

Ever since then Ive been looking for a kiss like that. But back to the story... I believe he was my 1st love... also first heart break. One time we visited and he told me he had a girlfriend. It hurt but I got over it. Then after countless heartbreaks from no good guys he stays in the back of my mind.

So currently, well this past weekend, I see him again at my brothers graduation and he comes with his girlfriend. I believe she is my age. She seems nice but she is a little awkward. She was staring at me like she knew a secret or something but whatever.

This guy was so different, yes Mister. Its like he was putting on a show and like he couldn't interact with me at all. I'm not expecting things to be as they were because he has a girl and I respect that. For I am no home wrecker or destroyer of what someone has.

Mister couldn't even look at me. He hugged me but it was not the same. Maybe he does love her. It's not my place to question that but I felt different too. I didn't have that same butterfly effect going on in my stomach that I usually do when I see him. I guess I'm over him.
CASE CLOSED! (LOL)

My dad is nasty. He is 43 years old and he looks great. This guy needs to control himself though. He is remarried but I know he stepping out on her.

This is how I know.

#1 I am talking to him about my little brother having girls call the house and how he taking some other girl to the 8Th grade dance that doesn't call the house. Then he says "Oh yeah he definitely has our blood in him. Straight Player" I'm thinking what? You just condoned cheating?

#2 My sister was going through his phone and saw some pictures of some lady. She wasn't my step mother.

#3 We are at the grocery store and he is looking at everything walking like a hungry wolf.

So I don't know what to say about men. Why do they think that they can manipulate women, lie, cheat, totally disregard their feelings, and so much more. What makes it worse is that men encourage each other for ill behavior. That crap is annoying from the young'ns to the old heads: Men will be MEN.

I LOVE IT!!

So, recently I have been going through some things and there are just changes coming at me left and right. Ive had my natural hair for like 3 years now and I was ready to relax.

The other day i was on twitter and this guy I follow quoted Marcus Garvey, " Don't relax the kinks from your hair, remove them from your brain."

Ive been familiarized with this quote for some time now but that day it really set in. I love my hair this way. I feel so free being natural.

I'm keeping it the way my Creator intended it to be and its beautiful. I did a SLIDE SHOW/video on my journey..

Why Must She Always Break My Heart

My cousin really hurt me today. She is 17 and walks around as if the whole damn world owes her everything. Let me give you the rundown:

I must admit she had a rough childhood. Things went really sour between her and her mom and she had to move from New York to VA to live with my grandmother.

Upon being here she was basically noted EVIL, Strange, Weird, Emo, Hateful, Stupid, Ugly and some more mean things. It was my family that has been telling her all these mean things about herself and she's been here for maybe 2 - 3 years.

My grandmother, uncle, cousins, and aunt have been the culprits for calling her these mean things. And when you hear that negativity from people that are supposed to love you, you eventually believe. I mean this girl has been through hell with her mother as far as we know and maybe even alot more.

So while this girls confidence is being beat down daily my mother decides to take her in because she was stressing my grandmother out. Here my mother was trying to teach her things that a 15 or 16 year old girl should already know how to do. For instance keeping your body clean, taking care of your stuff, doing chores, and making good grades.
She was making great progress and she seemed cold and rude at first but she warmed up. At the end of the year she got really great grades and my mother just told her "Great Job". I think this is where we went wrong. We praised my little brother with so much stuff when he made good grades but we saw her as his equal and we didn't follow through with her.

Her grades started to slip again and then she stole money from my mother and she had to go. My mother sent her back to my grandmothers after a year and a half. Then she was moved to my Uncles because my grandmother was in the hospital and now she is back with my grandma.

So when she was with my mother she did everything for her... Bought school supplies, clothes, and whatever else she needed. So when she moved back with my grandmother I took on that responsibility.

Yeah I was living out on my own (with a roomie) and I was barely making it myself. But, I love her and I made it my responsibility to make sure she had things she needed. My grandma said she would take her to get clothes and a back pack and shoes.

Never happened. I had to sacrifice things I needed to do and I didn't even think twice. I couldn't imagine starting a new school year with no new clothes and shoes. I paid for her to get her hair done,giving her spending money here and there. Now mind you I didn't get a thank you from anyone.

Some more things went down where I was fussing with family members about her and I started to cry. And cry and cry for this little broken girl.

Now she is in her senior year of graduating and she said she didn't want to do prom or graduation. A month before prom she says she wants to go. SO I was like okay. I will take my little unemployment checks and help her pay for prom. She then changed her mind - no problem.

Now Today, she says that she wants to attend her graduation Ceremony. The graduation is Saturday. She has not even paid her senior dues or debts.

I'm heartbroken because I'm going to be in Richmond at my Step Brothers graduation and I can't miss that because we had this planned out for weeks now. It just disturbs my soul that she thinks she can just make these life changing decisions that affects many people. I know her and her mom will never have a very close relationship but she would have busted her ass to come to VA to see her graduate.

How can she be so selfish?

UGH

I am just over people talking to me like I'm a little kid. I know I may do "child like" things with my coloring, dancing around, short attention span, and care free attitude, But come on!!

I'm a fully grown 21 year old WOMAN! My mother blaming me for everything. Siblings talking down to me. SOmethings gotta change. Im just so over it.