A Little Bit of Sweetness

I still feel like crap of course. I'm trying to find the root of my said debilitating sadness. I woke up for school yesterday and I just couldn't keep myself together while getting dressed and on the train ride. That couldn't be more embarrassing.

I was so emotionally drained in my favorite class. I usually can't wait for that class because my teacher is such a babe and he's a musician. He always orients the day's lesson to music or something I find extremely captivating. Anyway, I  was not enthused about being there until he asked my opinion of big airline companies using small regional carriers without background checks. I gave my response willingly because no one in the class seemed interested. We had a short dialogue amongst ourselves for about 3 minutes.

Fast forward to the room change to complete an evaluation. I finished the evaluation and I walk out the class behind him and we both walked down the stairs together and he asked me about my other classes. I then explain that my grades are fine but I am unhappy with school. He said he noticed that I wasn't "there" today and that I was very bright and asked what my career goals were.

I told him that I was interested in the music program at Brooklyn College only to find out that he graduated from there and is still very involved on campus. He even offered to contact some people at the college if I needed a reference or any help at all when i make that step. How SWEET. I also found it very sweet and sad that it takes a complete stranger to notice that I'm unhappy. Or maybe I was just that obvious. I don't know.

For the past few months I've been having the worst stomach pain and today on the train ride home from school, the pain became persistent. When I got to my stop I found it hard to stand but I made it off the train, up the steps, across the parking lot and into the house. When I got in my room my head started throbbing, I got extremely hot and took off my jacket. I went into the bathroom and when I went to wash my hands I couldn't stand straight. I took out two Aleves from the medicine cabinet and stumbled into the kitchen to get a cup of water to wash down the pills. I got into my bed and fell asleep for about 4 hours.

I would hate to be sick and end up in the hospital, but I am unsure of my medical coverage. I'll call Monday to see if I'm covered. I can't afford to miss the last week of school because I got sick.

Maybe this stress is taking a toll on me. I don't know what a mental breakdown feels like but I'm sure that's where I'm headed.

I'm Sad.. Again

Yesterday night, like most nights I reflect upon my life before bed. I guess that can be a good and bad thing because, naturally, I'm my own worst critic. I was lying there thinking "When was the last time someone asked me 'How are you, really?' " I know people ask me that often and maybe on a daily basis, but I feel that no one in my life even has the time or desire to see what my mental state is.

Its even hard for me to write this right now because my eyes are full of tears. I'm just alone and it is kind of killing me softly.

I also asked myself "When was the last time I was truly happy?" I can't think of one consistent time of pure bliss and total satisfaction with those around me and how they treated me.

I'm just really tired of crying myself to sleep every night with these same thoughts and no solution. I wish I could just go and find happiness but it's not that easy of course. I know it comes from self satisfaction and I love me. That's undeniable.

This slump I'm in even makes me question if school is for me... It just feels so wrong. I lost all desire for school. I'm slacking with my homework and studies and I just don't care. Not caring, being alone forever and not having a specific plan for my life are the most frightening things to me. And I'm getting bombarded with all three.

I just need a solution, wake up call, moment of clarity or something

Ignorance is Crippling

I really do  hate talking about color all the time but ignorant folk always say dumb stuff and i feel obliged to speak on it. This girl that i have been hanging out with off and on seemed cool at first. She's 19 and we had a class together. We would do stuff like shopping and eating and the expected chit chat about men and sex.

One day we were walking out of Macy's and we saw this nice looking clean cut dark skinned guy and she says "Oooh he's cute for a dark skinned guy." I look at her and say "What did you just say? You don't like dark skinned men?" She responds "no" and I say "What you like light skin guys with long hair or something?"
 She says "yes."

See I don't have a problem with having a preference at all because I have a preference, but to totally write off a certain type of guy based on skin color or hair is so stupid. I mean she is young and maybe she will learn but for now I can't deal with her stupidity. And sadly, it doesn't stop there.

Last week sometime we were walking to the train and she just blurts out "I can't see myself being friends with an ugly girl." Once again I give her the screw face and say "Well I'm not all that so I'm not going to judge anyone and since I'm older I've learned not to look at things like that because a good person is a good person."

I haven't really said much to her after her showing me who she really is. I know ALL women are not like that but this is one of the main reasons why I write people off so quickly and so often. I appreciate that people have the need to tell me some shit they wouldn't usually tell any random person but don't ever come at me with your ignorance.  I think I'm fine with not having close friends.

ooh! Married Men

Don't automatically write me off with the title. I just want to make it known that I am completely attracted to married men. However, the attraction stops right there and remains just that. Or maybe it's not attraction at all and just admiration.

Sadly, there are women that choose to exclusively date married men and I don't condone that practice. I have no clue why they feel they should be a home wrecker and have an affair with a man that has taken the ultimate commitment. But, I think the fact that the man has made that commitment is why she may be attracted to him.

A married man to me screams decisive, full of conviction, faithful, committed, expressive and loving. I know that can all change at the drop of a hat and being married does not necessarily make someone faithful, but it's what I'd like to believe.

Being single I have encountered men that don't even want to commit to a relationship. So when I'm on the train and I see that man with the kids and the ring I kind of stare because he's sexy to me. And I know I want that one day but the attention I get from men, I know they are just seeking quick thrills. Even women have become so liberated sexually that they put the sex before companionship.

Do men that seek and value relationships in general that are my age still exist? Or maybe I'm destined to marry some guy that's in his 30's that's ready to settle down? Or could it just be that I am too young and not in the right place to even consider wanting to be in a serious committed relationship? who knows...

But for now, I'm gonna still sneak a peek at those sexy married 30 somethings.. of course only when they're alone ;)

Double Standards pt. 2

As of late twitter has been pissing me the hell off. I always see these men I follow boasting, bragging, and bagging on women. Being a woman is like a double edged sword. We are constantly worried about our appearances not only to appease ourselves but to look good for men too (whether we'd like to admit it or not). I'm not ashamed to admit it because attention of the opposite sex and ultimately, sex is a basic need.

So, being a woman, our physique is what attracts men. The breast, hips, lips, butt, waist, and thighs are important to men because these are our indicators of "fertility". Of course that doesn't mean that a man wants to make babies with every woman with a nice waist to ass ratio, but it is one of the 1st things most men look for.

However, we all know that all women are not shaped like Rihanna, Esther Baxter, or Rosa Acosta and that's fine! My problem is that every man thinks that they look like Adonis. How can a man have the audacity to criticize my love handles when he looks like he's about 7 months pregnant?

Women definitely have standards too. So if a man says he only dates women that are a specific size and he has a 2 inch hard on.. we have a problem! I swear that if the tables were turned and all men had to wear banana hammocks, women would not be choosing majority of these shit talkers.

Men act like they have gold in their pants, but there is a thin line between confident and cocky. I just wish that most men would look in the mirror before they criticize a woman because of the way she looks because I guarantee that there are plenty women that don't find you attractive either.

end rant <3

ya know what....

I was JUST feeling all grand and stuff. I was running off the fumes of yesterday's performance at the open mic night and positive energy and artistic souls but this living situation just sucked up all my glory. I was kind of turned off yesterday before I left the house because I was told to clean my room while walking out the door.I wouldn't have been so annoyed if my room was in fact "not clean". I'm tired of this small ass room and cramming all my shit in here.

In this moment I have become fed up with my living situation. I can't do this shit anymore. Family initially saying they support me but after a while they make me feel like I'm a lazy, shiftless, free loader. I know that I am neither of those, however I can admit that a lot of days I don't feel good which is something I can't help.

I remember from a few months ago my little cousin said to my grandmother, "Amber has a lot of grey hair, probably because of stress." Grandma responds, "Stress from what? Amber has nothing to be stressed about."

I constantly talk to her and tell her about the things that stress me out like not having a permanent full time job since December 2008, money, loss, insecurities, my mother, and my lack of independence. I feel like I do a lot of talking but I don't get through to anyone or is it just that no one really cares. Everyone is quick to give advice for a situation they know nothing about. All my family members are hard workers and they think I'm not trying half as hard as them when they were my age.

I want a job, my own residence, and car just like the next man, but my lack of attaining those things does not mean I'm not trying. I don't know what I am going to do to get my own but today is my breaking point. Somethings gotta give.

ughh

I'm into day 5 of this cold that I have. I couldn't even go to class on Friday. I'm still half way in and out the dump because I missed out on making some money on Thursday because I have class on Thursday. Only to show to class on Thursday and the teacher doesn't show.

Since I'm battling this stupid cold I didn't do much at all. On Saturday my friend Jasmines mom came to NY from VA and I played tour guide. That was fun. It was an early day. Her and Jasmine laugh alike so that was comforting. Plus it was nice to see her smile. I told her that it was hard for me to see her because when I think about how I feel about Jasmine I cant begin to feel the pain she must feel. She told me that Marc was like her child too so she suffered 2 losses.

How melancholy. Anyway I feel like school is hindering my money flow. I want to do both. So now I'm considering Cosmetology at Aveda Institute for the summer so that when school starts I can be in school fulltime and make money and move out. But for now it's just talk... until the next time