Epiphany From the John

As I'm sitting on the crapper I usually handle my business then I'm out the bathroom, but today  I came to an actualization. I dont have friends because I dont take what people say for face value and I may think my opinions and "theories" are superior to others. Well at least come off that way.

I don't automatically come to the assumption that I'm smart and they're dumb, but these folks usually self destruct when pretending they know something or blatantly tell me som bs (probably unknowingly).

I guess they take offense and get intimidated because I indirectly let them conclude that they are talking in circles.  I know for a fact that I'm not the brightest bulb but I do crave someone in my life to match my intellect. I want to sit in Starbucks and talk about free will, conspiracy theories, religion and morale. Ooh and fine wines and cheese.

I love clothes, shoes, make up, men, and hair talk too but its so mundane and exhausting.  I guess only old people talk about stuff like that. *shrugs*

I Failed

I suppose it was my ill fate to completely bomb this Introductory Philosophy Midterm. What a day! Not to mention I only got about 5 hours of sleep. Oh how I miss the days of 12 hours of slumber.

I can't seem to pinpoint why my sleep pattern switches up so instantly and drastically. Over the past 2-3 years I venture to and from too much sleep or not enough. Can i get a middle ground? I'd think my worries and insecurities induce this god-awful insomnia.

Talk about pissed though... I'm actually in class hand writing this post. I pulled out the loose leaf for the essay portion but I can't seem to focus because the professor is making IMMENSE mouth noises.

I guess I'll try to give the essay another shot. Later.


....Ah! Forget it! *doodles*

I Showered Today

I was a useless couch potato all weekend. I finally decided to cease my continued funk that was temporarily relived from the occasional ho bath and take a real shower. It sort of livened me up and  my brain started to function normally (whatever that means). I realized that my spring break is effin over and all I did was waste it away on numerous train rides, Amy Ruth's, sleep, the occasional job search, and fantasizing about what my life lacks. Then somewhere in between the water turning from hot to luke warm I started thinking that on June 15th this year I have been out of high school for 6 years.

What a confidence booster since I haven't accomplished shit in my adult years. That means my 10 year high school reunion is freaking 4 years away. Im so fearful of not being shit from now to then that I don't think I'll even go. Whether I'd like to admit it or not, but I do somewhat care about what these previous peers will think of me even though I can't think of one great friend that I had while in school. Partially because my mother was strict on me that i didn't even exchange numbers with kids from school. Talk about LOSER!

At least I'm in school right? *grins*  With no income but hey its something. That's all for now though. Bout to get wrapped in this new mixtape.

Comfort in Spicy Nacho Doritos, Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans, and Lady Day

I don't know why I cant seem to find any happiness in anything. I think I'm happy with myself, but I can most certainly bank on these delish high calorie snacks to make me happy...temporarily. Anyway, yesterday my most sociable great aunt came over (insert sarcasm) and since my grandfather wasn't here I had to go downstairs to open the door. I had been slumming it all day. I mean I hadn't even showered so i was still in my too big pajamas. I go downstairs and the guy from upstairs was in the hallway with his crazy ass girlfriend. He was on the steps and i walked past him to open the door. I said hi to my aunt then walked back up the stairs, but the guy stood up out of the way and was leaning on the wall. My freaking pants were falling off and he saw all my ass. Great!

I've been feeling like crap all weekend probably because I feel lonely and I'm annoyed with my living situation. Looking at my dwindling bank account  is also a huge annoyance since shopping is my self prescribed medication.

I know my grandparents think I'm a lazy slob but this week was my spring break. I would cook more often but no one ever eats my food. When I get around them to talk they end up telling me what I could be doing differently with my life. School is a big deal to me and i get all A's and I'm looking for a job.

Anyway... my mouth tastes like fruity ass.. going to brush and turn off  this Billie Holiday

I miss her

My Jasmine.. It's been over six months since she passed. I didn't "break down" as those close to me intended. I do get extremely sad sometimes. I guess I still have a lot of regrets. I should have spent more time, called her more often, told her I loved her, and claim her as my best friend. Saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" is an understatement.

The whole situation is upsetting because I still feel deep down that I could have saved her. She was shot, by her ex-boyfriend (arggghhh! so painful to type). What if I would have had my phone that day and read her text about her being scared for her life. What would I have told her? Yeah everyone says, God's will was for her life to be taken.

My response to that: In that way though?! Murder isn't of God right?! So if it's His will, what you're saying is that God will conclude his plan in any way?!  That type of BS and other things like my lack of employment and impulsiveness is making me an atheist. But anyway...

If I could have saved her for a moment just to say bye and tell her how much i appreciated her, would be the solution. Even if that would have killed me along with her, I wouldn't have cared. I know I'm still hurting though. I need an outlet and eating, shopping and blogging isn't enough.

We Can Do Better

Last week a friend and I were in separate check-out lines at H&M. The cashier was very friendly to the girl ahead of me. I heard her mention how much she liked one of the items the customer bought. When that customer was done she smiled at her and told her have a nice day. I'm up next and I smile, say hello, and hand her my item. She didn't even look at me or open her mouth. The cashier was black and the previous customer was white.

I cant imagine what the hell happened within a few seconds to make this lady completely rude to me for no apparent reason. I remained cool while in the store, but i got pissed when my friend said,"I got this 5 dollar gift card for buying this." I'm like, "I didn't get one." We bought just about the same thing. So I'm standing in front of the store analyzing the situation.

We have all had that gum popping cashier with the attitude that cant even stop chewing to tell you your total, or the one that seems as if she is having a bad day. But, all too often the cashier happens to be another Black woman that gets this automatic attitude when she sees you and this makes me question why Black women treat each other the way we do?

I'd be a narcissist to assume that she was jealous or intimidated by me but, if I see another pretty woman and she's within ear length I would compliment her or smile at her. I would never cut my eyes at her or get an attitude. Why? Because she's cute?!

I also notice that plenty women, regardless of race, continuously critique the next woman. I look at all these blogs dedicated to poking fun at other people based on their hair, clothes and make-up and I wonder "Who Cares?!" If this lady with mahogany colored skin wants to wear bubble gum pink lipstick, let her. It's her choice! What are you proving by being nasty or making fun of another woman?

But, back to my main point, why would you disrespect a complete stranger? Does it make you feel better about yourself to make it obvious that you don't like the way I look? It has to be based on appearance because what more can she gather from me than my face?

I didn't expect this cashier to be overly nice to me but the least amount of respect could have sufficed. What do you think it is that makes Black women have this impulsive hatred for one another?

To Spit or Swallow

I was asked yesterday on Twitter to do a post on Spitting or Swallowing? Of course i'm hesistant to post about this because the topic is so crass! *faceplam* Why did I say, "Yes"?

I remember in the 90's some rumor started that Lil Kim swallowed so much man milk that she had to have her stomach pumped or something? WTF?! So I know you're probably thinking if I spit or swallow. Unfortunately, neither. Yeah call me lame but I also haven't been in a long term relationship in a long while to even have the opportunity to try swallowing.

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