I miss her

My Jasmine.. It's been over six months since she passed. I didn't "break down" as those close to me intended. I do get extremely sad sometimes. I guess I still have a lot of regrets. I should have spent more time, called her more often, told her I loved her, and claim her as my best friend. Saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" is an understatement.

The whole situation is upsetting because I still feel deep down that I could have saved her. She was shot, by her ex-boyfriend (arggghhh! so painful to type). What if I would have had my phone that day and read her text about her being scared for her life. What would I have told her? Yeah everyone says, God's will was for her life to be taken.

My response to that: In that way though?! Murder isn't of God right?! So if it's His will, what you're saying is that God will conclude his plan in any way?!  That type of BS and other things like my lack of employment and impulsiveness is making me an atheist. But anyway...

If I could have saved her for a moment just to say bye and tell her how much i appreciated her, would be the solution. Even if that would have killed me along with her, I wouldn't have cared. I know I'm still hurting though. I need an outlet and eating, shopping and blogging isn't enough.