Epiphany From the John

As I'm sitting on the crapper I usually handle my business then I'm out the bathroom, but today  I came to an actualization. I dont have friends because I dont take what people say for face value and I may think my opinions and "theories" are superior to others. Well at least come off that way.

I don't automatically come to the assumption that I'm smart and they're dumb, but these folks usually self destruct when pretending they know something or blatantly tell me som bs (probably unknowingly).

I guess they take offense and get intimidated because I indirectly let them conclude that they are talking in circles.  I know for a fact that I'm not the brightest bulb but I do crave someone in my life to match my intellect. I want to sit in Starbucks and talk about free will, conspiracy theories, religion and morale. Ooh and fine wines and cheese.

I love clothes, shoes, make up, men, and hair talk too but its so mundane and exhausting.  I guess only old people talk about stuff like that. *shrugs*

I Failed

I suppose it was my ill fate to completely bomb this Introductory Philosophy Midterm. What a day! Not to mention I only got about 5 hours of sleep. Oh how I miss the days of 12 hours of slumber.

I can't seem to pinpoint why my sleep pattern switches up so instantly and drastically. Over the past 2-3 years I venture to and from too much sleep or not enough. Can i get a middle ground? I'd think my worries and insecurities induce this god-awful insomnia.

Talk about pissed though... I'm actually in class hand writing this post. I pulled out the loose leaf for the essay portion but I can't seem to focus because the professor is making IMMENSE mouth noises.

I guess I'll try to give the essay another shot. Later.


....Ah! Forget it! *doodles*

I Showered Today

I was a useless couch potato all weekend. I finally decided to cease my continued funk that was temporarily relived from the occasional ho bath and take a real shower. It sort of livened me up and  my brain started to function normally (whatever that means). I realized that my spring break is effin over and all I did was waste it away on numerous train rides, Amy Ruth's, sleep, the occasional job search, and fantasizing about what my life lacks. Then somewhere in between the water turning from hot to luke warm I started thinking that on June 15th this year I have been out of high school for 6 years.

What a confidence booster since I haven't accomplished shit in my adult years. That means my 10 year high school reunion is freaking 4 years away. Im so fearful of not being shit from now to then that I don't think I'll even go. Whether I'd like to admit it or not, but I do somewhat care about what these previous peers will think of me even though I can't think of one great friend that I had while in school. Partially because my mother was strict on me that i didn't even exchange numbers with kids from school. Talk about LOSER!

At least I'm in school right? *grins*  With no income but hey its something. That's all for now though. Bout to get wrapped in this new mixtape.

Comfort in Spicy Nacho Doritos, Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans, and Lady Day

I don't know why I cant seem to find any happiness in anything. I think I'm happy with myself, but I can most certainly bank on these delish high calorie snacks to make me happy...temporarily. Anyway, yesterday my most sociable great aunt came over (insert sarcasm) and since my grandfather wasn't here I had to go downstairs to open the door. I had been slumming it all day. I mean I hadn't even showered so i was still in my too big pajamas. I go downstairs and the guy from upstairs was in the hallway with his crazy ass girlfriend. He was on the steps and i walked past him to open the door. I said hi to my aunt then walked back up the stairs, but the guy stood up out of the way and was leaning on the wall. My freaking pants were falling off and he saw all my ass. Great!

I've been feeling like crap all weekend probably because I feel lonely and I'm annoyed with my living situation. Looking at my dwindling bank account  is also a huge annoyance since shopping is my self prescribed medication.

I know my grandparents think I'm a lazy slob but this week was my spring break. I would cook more often but no one ever eats my food. When I get around them to talk they end up telling me what I could be doing differently with my life. School is a big deal to me and i get all A's and I'm looking for a job.

Anyway... my mouth tastes like fruity ass.. going to brush and turn off  this Billie Holiday

I miss her

My Jasmine.. It's been over six months since she passed. I didn't "break down" as those close to me intended. I do get extremely sad sometimes. I guess I still have a lot of regrets. I should have spent more time, called her more often, told her I loved her, and claim her as my best friend. Saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" is an understatement.

The whole situation is upsetting because I still feel deep down that I could have saved her. She was shot, by her ex-boyfriend (arggghhh! so painful to type). What if I would have had my phone that day and read her text about her being scared for her life. What would I have told her? Yeah everyone says, God's will was for her life to be taken.

My response to that: In that way though?! Murder isn't of God right?! So if it's His will, what you're saying is that God will conclude his plan in any way?!  That type of BS and other things like my lack of employment and impulsiveness is making me an atheist. But anyway...

If I could have saved her for a moment just to say bye and tell her how much i appreciated her, would be the solution. Even if that would have killed me along with her, I wouldn't have cared. I know I'm still hurting though. I need an outlet and eating, shopping and blogging isn't enough.

We Can Do Better

Last week a friend and I were in separate check-out lines at H&M. The cashier was very friendly to the girl ahead of me. I heard her mention how much she liked one of the items the customer bought. When that customer was done she smiled at her and told her have a nice day. I'm up next and I smile, say hello, and hand her my item. She didn't even look at me or open her mouth. The cashier was black and the previous customer was white.

I cant imagine what the hell happened within a few seconds to make this lady completely rude to me for no apparent reason. I remained cool while in the store, but i got pissed when my friend said,"I got this 5 dollar gift card for buying this." I'm like, "I didn't get one." We bought just about the same thing. So I'm standing in front of the store analyzing the situation.

We have all had that gum popping cashier with the attitude that cant even stop chewing to tell you your total, or the one that seems as if she is having a bad day. But, all too often the cashier happens to be another Black woman that gets this automatic attitude when she sees you and this makes me question why Black women treat each other the way we do?

I'd be a narcissist to assume that she was jealous or intimidated by me but, if I see another pretty woman and she's within ear length I would compliment her or smile at her. I would never cut my eyes at her or get an attitude. Why? Because she's cute?!

I also notice that plenty women, regardless of race, continuously critique the next woman. I look at all these blogs dedicated to poking fun at other people based on their hair, clothes and make-up and I wonder "Who Cares?!" If this lady with mahogany colored skin wants to wear bubble gum pink lipstick, let her. It's her choice! What are you proving by being nasty or making fun of another woman?

But, back to my main point, why would you disrespect a complete stranger? Does it make you feel better about yourself to make it obvious that you don't like the way I look? It has to be based on appearance because what more can she gather from me than my face?

I didn't expect this cashier to be overly nice to me but the least amount of respect could have sufficed. What do you think it is that makes Black women have this impulsive hatred for one another?

To Spit or Swallow

I was asked yesterday on Twitter to do a post on Spitting or Swallowing? Of course i'm hesistant to post about this because the topic is so crass! *faceplam* Why did I say, "Yes"?

I remember in the 90's some rumor started that Lil Kim swallowed so much man milk that she had to have her stomach pumped or something? WTF?! So I know you're probably thinking if I spit or swallow. Unfortunately, neither. Yeah call me lame but I also haven't been in a long term relationship in a long while to even have the opportunity to try swallowing.

Continue Reading The Full Post Here

Who Cares She's Handicapped?!

Before I begin I must make note that I am in no way or form attempting to ridicule anyone with physical or mental deformities, conditions,  or genetic predispositions.


I am enrolled in Oral Communication or simply Speech Class. Every few weeks or so we have to stand before the class and deliver a speech. When we write the outline for our speech we must take into account that it must intrigue and captivate our audience, the class. We also have to submit our outline typed in the correct format, not a manuscript.


So, there is this lady from China that has a very thick accent. She is also in one of those motorized wheel chairs ( I don't know what you call it). The 1st speech we had to deliver to the class, she spoke about her coming to the United States for surgery on her back. It was very hard to understand her but I grasped the idea  of her speech.


I glanced at the paper she turned into the professor and it was just manuscript. We weren't supposed to do that. Since she didn't turn in the outline and didn't follow the format her speech was incorrect! After every individual speech we constructively criticize the performance. No one said anything negative to her and as I expected, neither did the professor. He said, "Your speech was very clear, you have a great speaking voice and you used great vocabulary." He failed to mention that she didn't follow the format, she spoke too low, and know one knew what the hell she was talking about. Fast forward to Yesterday.


We had more speeches to deliver and its the Chinese lady's turn to deliver her speech. Once again, she turned in a manuscript. She announced that her topic was about the Economy in China. That was the last understandable thing she said for about 5 minutes. I look around the class and I see students laughing, texting, closing their eyes, the professor was fiddling with his watch and I couldn't help but wonder when this was going to be over.


When she finished, it was time for us to critique the speech. No one wanted to say anything. The professor was very sweet to her saying that it was a very complex speech and this time he did mention her format but that was it. So, on the train ride home, I thought how is this teacher going to possibly give this girl a bad grade? He already treats her differently than the other students. There is an apparent miscommunication because she obviously cant follow directions and no one knows what she is saying majority of the time. 


But, my problem is that if she had the mental capacity to get into college and obviously pass grade school why can't she be treated like the other students. There are other students that are capable of the work that also are not from the United States with thick accents, but they follow the format and deliver interesting and great speeches. I know it's none of my business if the professor gives her a passing grade or not but she is just like the rest of us and she should be treated as such.

I wonder...

[Insert nerdy thought cloud here] I'm currently studying Freud's Psychosexual Stages of Development. According to this model of gratification, based on my age and experiences, i should be at the stage of Intimacy.

Since my lack of intimacy is overwhelmingly annoying and somewhat changing my perspective on relationships, I wonder if it's causing some sort regression. And unfortunately I think Ive regressed to the stage of Anal gratification. Not anal sex but taking poos.

Gross right? Well I get a similar effect from self love. You get that urge and you prepare mentally for that sweet release. In my opinion, I didn't know this basic biological process could be so rewarding.

I literally get excited. Like "Yay! Time to go poopy!" And what makes it even better is that no one bothers me when I'm in the bathroom! (Hmmm. Maybe I should start loving myself in there.)

Anyway, this lack of sex has me wondering if, when we reach and pass new levels on Freud's Stages of Sexual Development are the previous lost or do we remain equally gratified by the prior? My textbook doesn't answer this. What do you think?

Mommy Dearest

I'm definitely having Mommy issues again. These days I'm feeling like realizing that she is more than likely the root of all my problems. More like the root of ALL evil.
Yeah I know I'm 23 and I should hold myself accountable for my insanity, instability, insecurity and other character flaws, but my childhood relationships and occurrences definitely helped shape this warped sense of self I have. I realized over the Christmas and New Years holidays that the main failure of parents is not listening and paying attention to your children.
For instance my mother used to call me stupid and that's not so bad if after all the anger died down she had explained to me that I wasn't. I used to tell her that her calling me stupid hurt my feelings deeply and she'd brush it off. So, I brought this up to her one afternoon when she called my little brother stupid. After she called him stupid I told him that he wasn't stupid.
         After he went into his room I asked my mother "why are you yelling at him and calling him stupid?"  She said that she didn't call him stupid. I then explained to her that its crazy how she can't control her anger and remember something that happened a few moments ago.
This topic came up again and of course it was initiated by me. I told her that I finally see why i do resent her. She said, "What, you want me to apologize for calling you stupid? Well I'm sorry." I would have accepted that apology if it wasn't forced and not a snide remark.

I later started to think about my father not being there after the divorce and how she wasn't there either. Yes we lived with her but she didn't spend any time with my sister, me or my little brother. She was always out with her friend that didn't like children and here my mother has 3. Then she started dating after her girlfriend got deployed then the next thing you know she is getting engaged to be married. She never had the time alone with us to cope with the absence of my father. So with her being the available parent but still refused to get through to us, she sure as hell is who I get mad with and still have a lot of anger towards.

I feel like my sister, brother and I have raised ourselves when we needed her the most. She used to tell me that she doesn't have to do anything for us. My rebuttal would be, yes you do because you had us, we didn't choose to be here. I was a child having these conversations with my mother and I know I always challenged her but it's time for her to take responsibility for her actions and look at the way she raised us so she can give me a sincere apology.

I know I have to take control of my life and heal myself because I may never get that apology. I may also never have a great relationship with my mother. Of course she isn't talking to me again because I purchased a laptop because I needed one since I started school again and her birthday passed and I didn't get her a gift. Mind you, Im not currently working and I don't live with her. She's selfish and doesn't even see that when it comes to children they should never want for nothing. I thought I was supposed to be a gift to her not to be used at her disposal. Unfortunately she is part of my reason for not wanting to come back to Virginia for so much as a visit. Maybe one day we'll reconcile things. Hopefully