Monday, July 12, 2010

Coping

It's been a while again. I'm just dealing with so much.

I feel like I know who I am, but on the other hand do I really because i don't know what I want out of life and if I am on the right path. I thought things were getting better but life keeps testing me. I was working this temp job and I had a great chance of getting hired permanently and making great money. I had to let it go though. Losing my close friend put a lot of things into perspective.

Lately, I feel like I live my life according to what other people think is best for me. Looking back at the decisions I made it was always what someone told me or was influenced by someone else. I guess my justification is that I applied that "constructive criticism" to my life.

But, today I was talking with my cousin who is about to attend college in a few weeks and I had an epiphany. I realized that I am about to be 23 years old in October. So I tried to think of the things I have accomplished and I am coming up short. In less than 5 minutes I realized that I have got to go back to school.

As much as I hated school and as much as I'm passionate about music, I figure that I sacrifice a few years to pursue an actual credible craft and art with something I am already great at doing.

Yes its a damn shame that it took me about 5 years too late to come up with a solid plan for my future, but better late than never.

Exes and Oh's

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Random Ep: 1

First installment of my random thoughts...

I hate mouth noise with a passion. Like what the fuck is that all about. Its like that shit just amplifies and the hairs on my neck stand. Its like you're smacking with no food in your mouth.

Whats most annoying is when I'm at work and I have my music as loud as possible and I hear your mouth noise. It drives me crazy. Like I even stop interacting with some people because of mouth noise.

i am completely baffled about the noise because I don't know if its you re freaking lips or tongue. It reminds me of mixing something wet like mashed potatoes, or pasta, or cake batter. I just get this bad attitude and then i give them the ill side eye. Whatever though, its just a pet peeve of mine that I had to get off my chest.

See Ya Later

Sunday, June 20, 2010

EXCUSE ME...

Friday afternoon I was on the train and I was making my final transfer and I spotted a seat next to this lady and this small guy. So as soon as I sat down the train pulls off and my whole ass ended up on this guys chest and shoulders. So Mister with the Robin Williams fore arms, my bad.

I really am sorry because there was nothing he could do. The poor guy couldn't have put his hands up because he would have gotten a handful of ass. He didn't have a chance against my butt because he couldn't even like scoot over or move his body because he was against the wall. Now that doesn't excuse my ass all up in has face when i still have a problem with train seats.

My gripe with the trains is that some of them have those seats where its like a couch minus the softness, "this is your cushion and don't hang over on my side" That's damn near impossible because when I sit down I spread so I hang all over the seat. So I'm always apologizing for my ass or hips hanging over on somebody.

Maybe I'll get a wide load sign or flashing lights when I'm about to sit down.

I always end up on someones lap or I try to squeeze in between two people. Ehhh but oh well. But for everyone that had to experience my hips and ass I apologize..

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

You Can't Stop The Reign

Hey Guys!!!

So me and my TJ were talking about if we ever had sex and set the mood with music and I felt that i should just do a short entry of the song that was played and my response.

I'm not gonna give any info on the guy.. I'll keep him anoymous **snickers**
So i walk in and all the lights are off and we start to get into the mood and then eventually INSERTION and we're going at it. So about 10 - 15 minutes later i hear this all so familiar introduction. I t was Shaq "You Can't Stop The Reign" So while Im bent over I'm still in shock and he keepps pumping and I stopped him and said " I know you not playing Shaq while we doing it" HE responds, "What?! This is a great song."

His tone of voice was like "how could I NOT have that on my playlist?"
Anyway.. We humped through the rest of the song.. Just imagine Humping to THIS Sound effects and ALL

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I Didn't Sign Up For This

I could bore you with a million stories and situations but I'll cut to the chase..
My Lil cousin has been with me since February because her mother decides to "kick" her out basically. Cops were involved and Child Protective services. So she came to live with me middle of February and has been here ever since.

From then until now I have been dealing with tears, arguments, court dates, bad attitude, financial issues, mental issues, lack of privacy, and disrespect.
I understand the child is 13, but I figure by that age a child knows right from wrong. But then again based upon her circumstances and her mother maybe I'm reaching. (I know I'm being vague as hell but the last entry tells a Lil background info)

Ahh what the hell she was abused and I am the fall guy. So since that day I have been unable to work and have a life. I know that it was for a good cause and at the time I really felt great about doing such a good thing. But retrospectively not so much the same sense of hope and promise for this little girl and my sanity. Basically she's a very manipulative person.

Some part of me feels like maybe she drove her mother to the point of no return and went off on her. That doesn't make it right but I found myself feeling like I wanted to choke that little girl up. I got so mad that i grabbed her arms and got in her face and told her to get out of my room. I felt really bad afterwards because I know that scared her and I know she has never seen me that angry. But, for the whole time she has been here I bottled up everything and the lid popped. Daily I have to deal with her following behind me EVERYWHERE! Even into the bathroom. When I say she is on my ass I mean that in the most literal sense. She talks slang all the time and I tell her that she needs to talk like a lady and she says" I'm not a lady". If I just got off the phone she questions who I was talking with and what we were talking about. When i worked a few days she asked me what I was going to spend my money on. This is the little 13 year old girl with the Prada shoes.

She walks around with this sense of entitlement talking about dark-skinned people, people from the projects, and anyone that looks unkempt. So I am trying to instill different things in her but she's not absorbing anything. So it's these little things that have been eating away at me.

Now her father has not even been there really, even though she visits him every weekend he doesn't have to go back and forth to school to pick her up because she's suspended or has an exam and there are early dismissals. Or the schools calling me about her blatant disrespect and obnoxious ways. That's all my responsibility and I never called him to tell him because I learned that he doesn't know how to discipline her even after I reached out to him to tell him I was having problems.

Thursday after it all went down I tried calling her father to tell him that I was done with the situation and here it is Sunday and no one has called me. I can only imagine that she fabricated the occurrence and gave a one sided view. I have a million thoughts are going through my head right now. She may never return from her fathers house but only to get her belongings but I feel that she now knows she cant get over on me and I am standing up for myself and she cant manipulate me. She can pull the wool on her fathers eyes but not mine.

I don't think she's coming back and I'm fine with that. I just feel bad things ended this way, even though I apologized and I didn't have the opportunity to let her father know how things really are with her. But I'm done and ready to get my life back..

Monday, March 1, 2010

IT's Been A Minute

With all that has been going on in my life I haven't really had the chance to update my blog regularly. Its like as soon as I thought things were getting better, things have changed.

I'm more than sure that things could get worse but life is a little to much right now.
I looked at my blogger dashboard and I have 4 unfinished blogs.. *sigh*

THis is a quick rundown of whats been going on
-I have a crazy ass cousin that keeps disappearing leaving her 3 year old daughter for weeks at a time
-My other little cousin is dealing with abuse (her mother is the aunt that took me to Hawaii)
-Still facing unemployment and depression
-And just recently I had a BAC of 1.60 so I ended up in the hospital

Well whoever you believe in just pray or hope for my mental stability and that my family will one day get it together.

Monday, January 11, 2010

MY MOM is Sooo Embarassing

Oh yeah! Im talking to my mother again. Anyway.. My last sexual experience was with a guy that I have had a thing for..for about 9 years. To cut to the chase I wanted it so bad by this point in time that when it happened it was terrible..

By terrible I mean PAINFUL for me. Size issues SMH.. How embarrassing?! I still love him though...

Anyway TODAY, he calls me and asks me for my sister's number because his friend wants it.. I gave him a hard time and told him that he only calls when he wants something. He completely ignores me and asks for the number again. I gave it to him.

So just a few minutes ago my sister says "I just got finished doing his and his best friend's hair." I thought oh wow okay.

Now he is a BIG GUY! I mean like 6'7 probably like 300 pounds. My mother saw him before but I guess she forgot and says "Oh ____! You hurt my daughter.." Then she walks off.

Moral of the story.. Never give your mother specific details of a past sexual experience because it will bite you in the butt. LOL