Yesterday night, like most nights I reflect upon my life before bed. I guess that can be a good and bad thing because, naturally, I'm my own worst critic. I was lying there thinking "When was the last time someone asked me 'How are you, really?' " I know people ask me that often and maybe on a daily basis, but I feel that no one in my life even has the time or desire to see what my mental state is.
Its even hard for me to write this right now because my eyes are full of tears. I'm just alone and it is kind of killing me softly.
I also asked myself "When was the last time I was truly happy?" I can't think of one consistent time of pure bliss and total satisfaction with those around me and how they treated me.
I'm just really tired of crying myself to sleep every night with these same thoughts and no solution. I wish I could just go and find happiness but it's not that easy of course. I know it comes from self satisfaction and I love me. That's undeniable.
This slump I'm in even makes me question if school is for me... It just feels so wrong. I lost all desire for school. I'm slacking with my homework and studies and I just don't care. Not caring, being alone forever and not having a specific plan for my life are the most frightening things to me. And I'm getting bombarded with all three.
I just need a solution, wake up call, moment of clarity or something
aww babe i just started crying reading this.
ReplyDeleteI swear on everything that I am going through the same thing. It seems like everyone who calls me wants something. No one calls to just simply see how I'm doing. No one calls just to say I love you. I have been so depressed lately. I know Im smart and capable of being great but I feel the same way with school. I regret stopping when I did. Everyone around me is graduating from college and I'm like damn that could have been me. I hate feeling this way too. Its comforting knowing I'm not going through this alone though. I guess we have to be each others motivation.
hmm... well for a while i've been wanting to stop by and say thanks so much for the last comment you left on my blog. it really touched me. i told my guy about it and now he's all like "what did you write about me let me read it!!"
ReplyDeletei might have, if we hadn't broken up a few days ago. horribly. imagine how alone i felt when he chose his dumb ass ex over me! i wasn't even asking him to dump her, just not spend 4 days a week and late night one on ones at her apartment. i feel like i hate him but it's so hard to leave. i've never been that girl.
also i dropped out of college for a week because the courses i was taking just got TOO hard. my mom made me go back and i'm very grateful that she did. even just from missing that week, i had to do another semester- it sucked.
but if going to school is getting you really down (god i know that feeling), plan what you would do if you did take some time off. if it makes sense, then i say do it! life is too short to be absolutely miserable in the present for a future of uncertain perceived happiness. just consider all angles and weigh your options.
also, it sounds to me like two things: 1) you might be battling depression. even just regular exercise can make you feel better
2) maybe you live in the wrong place for you. try taking a weekend trip to clear your mind
:)
xo
ps: i graduated from college 3 years ago, to clarify
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