Yeah I know I'm 23 and I should hold myself accountable for my insanity, instability, insecurity and other character flaws, but my childhood relationships and occurrences definitely helped shape this warped sense of self I have. I realized over the Christmas and New Years holidays that the main failure of parents is not listening and paying attention to your children.
For instance my mother used to call me stupid and that's not so bad if after all the anger died down she had explained to me that I wasn't. I used to tell her that her calling me stupid hurt my feelings deeply and she'd brush it off. So, I brought this up to her one afternoon when she called my little brother stupid. After she called him stupid I told him that he wasn't stupid.
After he went into his room I asked my mother "why are you yelling at him and calling him stupid?" She said that she didn't call him stupid. I then explained to her that its crazy how she can't control her anger and remember something that happened a few moments ago.
This topic came up again and of course it was initiated by me. I told her that I finally see why i do resent her. She said, "What, you want me to apologize for calling you stupid? Well I'm sorry." I would have accepted that apology if it wasn't forced and not a snide remark.
I later started to think about my father not being there after the divorce and how she wasn't there either. Yes we lived with her but she didn't spend any time with my sister, me or my little brother. She was always out with her friend that didn't like children and here my mother has 3. Then she started dating after her girlfriend got deployed then the next thing you know she is getting engaged to be married. She never had the time alone with us to cope with the absence of my father. So with her being the available parent but still refused to get through to us, she sure as hell is who I get mad with and still have a lot of anger towards.
I feel like my sister, brother and I have raised ourselves when we needed her the most. She used to tell me that she doesn't have to do anything for us. My rebuttal would be, yes you do because you had us, we didn't choose to be here. I was a child having these conversations with my mother and I know I always challenged her but it's time for her to take responsibility for her actions and look at the way she raised us so she can give me a sincere apology.
I know I have to take control of my life and heal myself because I may never get that apology. I may also never have a great relationship with my mother. Of course she isn't talking to me again because I purchased a laptop because I needed one since I started school again and her birthday passed and I didn't get her a gift. Mind you, Im not currently working and I don't live with her. She's selfish and doesn't even see that when it comes to children they should never want for nothing. I thought I was supposed to be a gift to her not to be used at her disposal. Unfortunately she is part of my reason for not wanting to come back to Virginia for so much as a visit. Maybe one day we'll reconcile things. Hopefully
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