Love Jones

Not only do I need this movie on DVD... (I'll go hunting for it this week and the soundtrack) but I wish cinematic love was real. I feel that maybe real love that's portrayed in these movies may be possible. I know majority of these story-lines are fanciful but art imitates life, right?

I remember my first love like the back of my hand. I can remember every conversation,  kiss, touch, the taste of his mouth, and every sensation that ran through my body from my interactions with him. But all good things came to an end when he told me that he was in love with his girlfriend. Whom I knew nothing about.

After him, I still remained open to the idea of love. My idea of love is pure and young that will eventually lead to marriage. As of late the consensus seems to be is that marriage is outdated which, in my opinion, diminishes my picture perfect LOVE *sigh* So is real love obsolete as well?

Progress?

The crying finally stopped. I think I'm starting to feel better everyday. Then again I have started shopping again ( As if I ever stopped).  My change in mood could be due to the fact that I take my last final on Tuesday. Or it could be that on Friday I got an email about a job for a company I did temp work for multiple times. It's good pay and benefits and its a very relaxed work environment. We will see how the interview goes this week, if I get one.

The only thing I am completely worried about is if I get this job I don't know if I can handle being a full time student as well. The upside is that I will have money to shop, move out, and hopefully get back to happy me. Ehhh we shall see though. I do want a degree badly but part of me also feels like life is too short to make sacrifices that cause me to be unhappy  for an uncertain future (thanks V. BadBunny!!). I can easily tell you what I want right now, 2-3 years from now, not so certain.

I'm just certain that I don't want to be depressed anymore. I'm still considering if I should talk to a professional about my feelings but I fear that everyone will know. And along with "everyone" knowing I'm scared they are going to judge me or think I'm a drama queen or ungrateful. I know I have plenty to be thankful for but I still can't find lasting happiness in anything.

Little Girl.. you are more

Yesterday afternoon I was on the train and I saw 4 young middle school aged hispanic girls get on the train. Their pants and shirts were extra tight. They also had on big hoop earrings and eyeliner. Then I noticed this man that was sitting down. He was staring at these young girls in the most lustful way ever. It really made me feel weird..

The girls were standing up so I watched his eyes move over their chests, butts, and legs. Continuously. Obviously this man was a pervert because there were clear signs that these females were underage. But I can't put all the blame on the man because what parent would allow their 12-13 year old daughter to walk out of the store with clothes that were fit for a grown woman? I understand all the social pressure of wanting to be pretty and sexy at a young age but these little girls playing dress up everyday, only brings on unwanted attention that a little girl can't handle.

Hell, when I wear my tight pants and short skirts or dresses I sometimes get pissed at the extra attention. So can you imagine the way GROWN men may stare at them and the way they may feel. I don't have any children but I remember the way men used to stare at me and the things they would say. I hated walking past men and to this day I sometimes feel like I'm being stripped down to my bra and panties by their eyes.

But I know that this is a different day and age from 10 years ago when I was a teenager. These provocatively dressed girls turn in to provocateurs and start talking back to these older guys. And then that opens a whole case of worms.


All in all I just want everyone to keep encouraging these young girls and teach them to enjoy being children. Being a woman is a huge role to play and it is sometimes scary. I really wish parents would teach their little princesses to be just that and constantly tell them that they are loved and beautiful. Tell them that their minds are far more powerful than what they can fathom so they can grow to be strong, confident, WOMEN.

breakthrough hmmm

As you all should know I have a bad rap sheet with friends. Not on my behalf. I don't think. Well I was on Twitter and I said something about how only my male followers tweet me. Then i thought.. I only really ever talked to men. So it leads me to think that because of some event in my childhood I subconsciously repel women and attract men for companionship.

For instance, the situation with my mother, she hurt me more than my father. He cheated. My mother, brother sister and I left and since we lived with her she was present but didn't pay us any attention. It actually goes further back than that. The first time my parents separated she started dating this other guy that lived with us and she got pregnant and then she shipped us off to Virginia to live with my aunt. That made me mad and I felt indifferent about her because she put herself and that man before us. We were only with my aunt for less than 6 months but it felt like forever. We didn't even get to talk to our father. The next time we saw him was when my other aunt died. After that my mother moved down to VA and started dating this other man and he ended up living with us too. That's when she started beating my ass like a mad woman because I was mouthy. Then my parents got back together and she continued beating me like she lost her damn mind. That continued until middle school until my parents finally divorced. She started dating again and then, BAM! Married to the guy she dated when she 1st moved to VA. That's when the kicking out started.

Okay, so I feel that my relationship with my mother is why I can't keep woman friends. Well only a small part of it. I think somehow I feel they will hurt me, be self centered, have ALL the bad intentions in the world, and LIE and SCHEME. I know its not true but tell that to my heart.

Some of the most evil things done around me or said to or about me have been by women. I notice their jealousy and conniving ways. I also see how women are the biggest back stabbers of all. I don't get it. Never will. I feel that in order for me to be friends with a woman I have to lower my standards and accept that women LOVE to talk about other women, or gossip, lie, and partake in every type of unnecessary drama.

I don't even think I'm making sense... whatever.

mother's day

I. Hate. Mother's. Day with all my heart. Only because me and my mother's relationship is crappy. She doesn't seem to know that no matter how many times I may tell her that. A few days ago I was talking to my sister on the phone, then my mother asked to speak to me. I figured she wanted to talk about make-up because that is the only thing that we can have a decent conversation about. Surprisingly, she talks to me about her giving me her tax information so I can do my financial aid.

Somehow we start talking about mother's day and I tell her that I will send her gift soon and  she asks me "Whatever youre giving me, is it going to put a smile on my face?". I say "Have I never given you a gift that you didnt want or need?" And her response "Yes, plenty of times."

See I would have let that comment go but the fact is that I am going into my lil bit of money to still think of her. I still don't have a job, but that doesnt matter to her. I thought the whole parent /child realtionship was suppposed to be where she shouldn't have to ask me for anything. I can see if the circumstances were different and I could provide for her I wouldnt mind.

I wish she knew material things mean NOTHING when it's all saud and done. She always has her hand out expecting something from me. I didn't ask to be here and she knows I am not in a position to just give and give. She knows that I am a giver and she tries to capitalize from that.

I'm going to buy her a gift becuase I already told her I would do so, but there will be no visits to VA or extra gifts throughout the year. I'm just tired of her.