Love Is The Worst Part Of Life!

Okay, I am kinda hesitant about writing this blog because I don't want to make any of the "people" in my life mad or think I'm cheating because I am kinda attached.
But, whatever this is a blog...

So, ever since I moved to NY I've subconsciously been wanting to date... No haps but I eventually met a few guys. Ok the 1st guy I met...the situation was so weird. I was working at the shop on a saturday I believe and it was late in the evening. I was at the pedicure station finishing up this lady's feet and I look at the door and this tall sexy guy walks in OMG! I watched him while I cleaned up and he paid me no mind. He dropped of a pair off white uptowns and left. I didn't even ask my boss about him because I knew that he wasn't the type of guy I would normally deal with despite my initial attraction.

the next time I saw him was on that following thursday. He came for a pedicure. I was nervous as hell. He took his shoes off and his feet were all nice. So I start to file and buff his toe nails. He wasn't paying my ass any mind as far as I could tell. The whole time Im doing his feet underneath my boobs were sweating and my forehead. I was about to clip his cuticle with the nipper and he told me to be careful because he was diabetic. I don't know why but that really turned me on. I scrubbed his feet and then massaged them and I think he was getting aroused because he kept shifting his body and looking at me. I finished the pedi and that was that.

There was no conversation at all. That blew my mind because most men that I do manis or pedis for always hit on me or at least talk to me. I really liked that about him. He kept coming by more and more and one day I asked my boss about him. I told her that I thought he was hot, but I didnt think he was interested because he doesnt pay me any attention. His friend was in the shop when I said that and he overheard me so he tells him. So like 5 minutes later sexy comes in and asks me for my number.. His voice was so low and smooth and he called my phone and rushed out the shop. I think he was talking low so I could move in closer to him.. *squeals*

That turned me on too because he just left me sitting there in this dumb daze. He does that to me all the time. He comes in talks to me for a little then leaves abruptly, leaving me wanting more.

But anyway what happened was that one day I wasn't feeling good and I went in the office to put my head down. There was a knock on the office door and it was him. I opened the door and he came in and asked if I was okay. Then he asked me for a hug and I gave him one. Then he just stared in my eyes and kissed me on my cheek. Then my neck and he put his arms around my waist and he told me he wasn't happy with his current living situation. He explained to me that he had 2 babies and girl at home. i BACKED OFF. I couldn't possibly get in the middle of that.

Of course he kept coming by more and more. Then one day he asked me to give him a manicure which I did. While I massaged his hands we were talking a little. He was looking me in my eyes and he mentioned something about me and him and forever. Then he started biting his lips and closing his eyes and then he asked me to stop and he just got up and left.

I consider him a love I never got to love.. Ehhh oh well

WAS THIS A DREAM

Okay! I'm like crazy excited about what happened to me today. I kept asking myself seconds after like was this for real. LMAO!

So today I go into work and Diamond my manager says, "You missed it yesterday the "palm reader" was in here yesterday as soon as you left." I thought daaaaang I would have loved to partake in something like that just for sh**s and giggles ya know. And 20 minutes later the 2 "palm readers" walk in.

One was short, middle aged and chubby and the other was young tall and thin. Both of them looked middle eastern or Indian. So the short older guy comes and starts talking to me and asks me if I want to have a reading and I declined gently. Then, he says "You have a very cheerful face,but you're hiding a lot of pain because of problems with your family." True. But I just smiled and nodded my head.

Then, this guy moves me into the back of the shop so that he can talk to me more in private. I told him, "Im not paying for anything because I don't want to." So of course he keeps talking saying, "there are 3 people thinking about you right now and one of them you don't like." That reading made me laugh out loud because thats fucking random as hell and vague.

Then he says I am craving a relationship and love but I only want to deal with men my age. And he mentioned how sensual, romantic, and sexual I am with the perfect guy. Then he said that there is an older guy in the picture that really wants me but I dont feel the same way yadda yadda yadda.

Here's the kicker: He then precedes to say "you like "big man"... like 8 inches" I freaking died laughing in that man's face. I mean what woman wouldn't enjoy that. Then he says yeah big and thick. And this man gestures the girth with his hands.. To make it worse he grabs his meat right in front of me and asks me to EFFIN touch his thing. Imagine a lil Indian palm reader (with the effin turban..okay over exaggeration and it may have made the story better but) saying "plaaaahhhhhzzzzz touch. laaak thees?"

I was surprisingly nice and said "no nooo... No thank you!" This nasty perv asked me what I was doing tonight. I told him work. And he wanted to take me out. WTF.. Hell Nah. See thats why I cant believe in no dang Palm Readers... Because he should have been able to read that I wasnt feeling him or him telling me what size penis I like.

Sure enough I was baffled and he got up to leave and told me that I needed to pray more and drink more water. FOH with that random generic reading... But, that whole situation was crazy...

I Was Waiting For You

Well, I haven't spoken to my mother in like almost 2 months. Reason: She's crazy plain and simple. She stopped talking to me after the family reunion.

Anyway, it has kinda been bothering me but then again she is negative and mean to me. She automatically assumed I had an attitude when I was in Virginia and told my sister she was ready for me to leave.

AfterI was told I was unwelcome my sister was supposed to leave on a thursday night and I dropped her off at the airport. She gave me her car insurance money to give to my mother. That night I was to leave I handed my mother the money and she was smiling like I was just giving her a stack of cash for GP (general purpose).

I know she was having money problems but seriously what in her mind went off to think I was giving her money knowing i was broke and still didnt have a job. So I said, "This is Ebony's insurance money" and her face dropped.

An hour later she dropped me off tto the bus station and I was about to leave and I asked her if she was gonna hug me and she was acting like I asked her to give me a limb or something. Then I told her bye and while Im walking away she says "Next time you come here drop tthe attitude or dont come at all." I asked her what I did wrong and she couldnt answer me. And i asked her, "how can I correct mmyself if I dont know wwhat I did wrong?"

so since then there has been no IMs calls or txt messaging. i dont feel bad about it though. My life feels sso right right now. I never felt she supported me in anything.

Come to think of it ssshe treated me kinda wrong while growing up. For instance: multiple beatings in one day, practically locking me in a dark hot garage (at one point in time i was deathly afraid of the dark), being called stupid constantly, getting kicked out the house, and to top it off when she told me and my sister her and my dad were getting divorced me and my sister cried. She told me, "shut up!! you only crying because your sister is."

who says that or does that to a child. I know I was a handful growing up but i used to tell her that her calling me stupid really upset me and for her to beat me with no reason or correction messed my head up.

Then she claims that she doesnt want to have a relationship with her daughters thats like the non exsistent relationship she has with her mother. Its kinda too late though because i'm grown now and sooo many great things are happening and I share them wwith my Grandma (not her mother). She listens and doesnt judge me. She supports me and feeds me positivity.

Truthfully I dont need anything from my mother. The only thing I need is my damn bond.

It seems kinda harsh but Im trying to lead a positive lifestyle and sadly she's bringing me down. I was subconscientously waiting on her call... but Im done waiting for an apology or call thats never gonna come.

RELAX

Yeah that's what I need to do. I am finally getting my life together and my brain is constantly going 3 trillion mph... I keep thinking ahead instead of living for the moment.. I can't help but obsess over my future and the way I want things to be.

Possibilities of relationships with new people and how my choices today are equivalent to the Chaos Theory (according to my life of course)... IDK I need to find a way to center my thoughts/put them in order and ULTIMATELY chill because I may just blow a fuse with all this thinking.

Hmmmmph, tis all for now!

BLUE LABIA

So yesterday I go to this Block Party in Bed-Stuy.. I'm sitting on some steps with my elbow on my knees chilling. I was watching the kids play and ride their bikes. I'm sitting like that for an hour.

I got up to go see what DVDs this lady was selling 2 for $1. When I stood up and started walking.. OMG I had the strangest feeling between my legs..

I continue to walk and I'm thinking, "Dang my stuff (vagina) feels funny!" I keep walking and get to the ladies table and I shifted my weight to one leg and I got this cold sensation on one side of "her".

Shift my weight to the other leg... same thing

So I walk back and I'm getting little tingles that were quite gratifying *snickers*... But She woke back up by the time I sat back down. LMAO!

Cause of a numb Va-Jay Jay: Maybe those shorts I had on with the combination of the way I was sitting on that concrete step...

FML Right?

As you guys should already know I am still looking for a job. Anyway, I got a call Monday for an interview at Ann Taylor. I wasn't really excited because it's just retail and it's part time so no benefits.

I was still grateful to have landed this interview because it's in Lincoln Sq on the West Side of Manhattan. So based upon the demographics of the area and the size of the store it has to pay pretty decent.

I told my Grandparents and they said cool. Papa said he would drive me. I wanted to take the train, but they insisted he drove me. Tuesday Papa had a problem with the water pump on his car so I planned on taking the train. My grandfather asked me to call my cousin and see if he would spend the night here and go with me Wednesday morning for the interview. I wondered "why"? They don't want me on the subway by myself and I'm 21.

My cousin couldn't do that because he had prior engagements. Fine again, but not for my Grandparents. Papa said he would ride with me on the train. I said "I know how to get there, i will be fine by myself."

Grandma insisted we go together; I complied even though I didn't agree. So Grandma says to Papa, "You not gonna go in the interview with her right?" He shrugged it off as to say "Betty I know better than that

We get up, catch the train, and we get there at 8:45 am. The Manager told me to be there between 9-10 before store hours. So we sit on a bench across the street until 9:10 and I walked over to see if someone was inside. No one was there so I walked back and called her to tell her I was there. She said she would be out in a few minutes.

I tell Papa "I'm going across the street she is about to open the door for me." So I cross the street and I stand by the door. I turn around and there my Papa is. I'm thinking please don't do this Grandpa. Sure enough the manager opens the door for me and we shake hands and Papa tries to walk in right behind me into my interview. I had to tell him the store wasn't open they can't let you in.

That crushed all my confidence because here I am a grown woman and my Papa is escorting me to the interview.

All in all, the interview went fine but I don't think I got the job because Carmen the Manager says " You don't seem aggressive enough for the position, like you need a little push to get you going."

That was a LOW BLOW! I have never been told that before. I guess she assumed by my Papa being there i wasn't independent enough or strong enough.

I'm not saying its his fault why I don't think I have a shot at the job, but he may have caused a little doubt in the managers mind. I don't know what to do because this can not keep happening when I get interviewed other places.

This totally sucks though. I'm 21 and felt 12. I even cried myself to sleep that night. I ate my life away the remainder of the day as well.

FML

Really? We Still Causing Division?

I have GOT to get this off my chest. This has been bothering me for the longest and it's an on going issue.

Why are people still blinded by color or skin tone? Black people are still stuck on light skin and dark skin. Which one is better or worse as far as who to date or trust.

I started to notice this crap when I was in high school. I was on the bus and the guys started talking about girls and their preferences. There were like 7 guys on the bus and probably 5 out of 7 agreed with only wanting to date a Light skin Female.

I automatically thought "Whoa?" So I questioned them whats the difference between a lighter skin tone and a darker one... No one had a specific answer. It was more along the lines of "they just better."

Then I remembered a whole lot of things that I experienced years before.

Case 1: My aunt is dark skinned and so is her 1st child. Her last 2 children are light skinned. We were going to the park one day and she says "Ooh let me put sun screen on my babies. I don't want them to get all dark!" Mind you she neglects the oldest.

Case 2: There was this guy I met one night at the club. We talking outside the club and he complimented me and said "You're real cute to be dark skin." I'm like WTF? So I give him the stank face and walk away.

Case 3: Many of the females I went to school with only wanted to date a light skin guy. Because of fear of their babies coming out nappy headed and dark. So Its just not the fellas that discriminate.

Don't get me wrong though. I understand people have their preferences but, why would you limit yourself to one skin tone. And also this is a slave mentality that we should all stray away from. No one chooses to be the color they are and sometimes (a lot of times) we insult each other on things that we can't change.

I feel like I am the only one that see this division. Of course it's not as bad as it used to be but for some reason people are still passing this type of thinking on to their children so its a never ending cycle of Separation, Prejudice and discrimination.

I hear kids taunt each other because of skin tone. I have learned that all shades of black is beautiful and its the truth. If we were all the same color that would take away so much of our heritage and roots.

As always I'm wishing for a change that will unite us and love and appreciate one another for our differences. Not oppress each other on what makes us Unique.

Remeber this: There is NO superior color to be because ALL BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL!

I'm Back from Hawaii

Feels like I have been gone forever guys *snickers at my 3 followers*! I'm back!

I successfully moved to Brooklyn and I'm loving it. Things would be Utopia if my aunt will leave me alone. (I will get into that in a bit) I'm still on that concrete grind looking for a job, but there are so many more opportunities opposed to the 757.

So, 2 days before I was set to move, my aunt calls me with an attitude asking "Do you want to go to Hawaii with me?" I'm broke so I say " You know I ain't got money for that." She replies" I ain't ask you all of that...Do you want to go!?!"

Y'all know what my answer was.. "HECK YEAH": everything was cool. Packed my Hawaii bag separate and I was on my way. So my understanding was a scotch free trip to Hawaii and that's what it was the whole time..

So Tina, DJ (her 8 year old son) and I were off to JFK! Here's a few of my favorite pics.

Here is the Whole Album (I'm still missing pics and vids because Tina Has them)

So anyway, we were gone for about 2 weeks and I enjoyed my self so much. It was a lifetime unforgettable experience.

Rode ATVs, picked mangoes, papaya, strawberry guava, tried new foods (poi & lo mi lo mi), got sick on a catamaran, learned some Hawaiian language, danced the Hula, and even had a near death experience.. I will not forget a moment!

Okay, vacation was over and back to Brooklyn. We get back she tells me I have to work my trip off. Mind you the understanding was FREE TRIP! So I had to clean her stinky living room. I failed to mention to you that before I left I cleaned DJ's Lil nasty room.

I was LIVID... I did it to get her off my back but then she says the kitchen is next. I can't even begin to explain what her house looks like and yes she is a grown woman. I don't understand. Makes me feel sick to my stomach.

But all in all life is beautiful. I am surrounded by the coolest and most loving Grandparents on the face of this Earth. Even though I have been through a lot I realise I have it good and people really do care for me and help me. So at the end of the day its not always you.

Yeah you may go to bed alone but across the hall for me is my family and my motivation. My 2 rocks. They feel like mommy and daddy and I am so blessed to have them...

Through It All still

So I have 2 days left here in Virginia. On Friday I will be on my way to my new home in Brooklyn. I'm living with family there so I won't be alone. However, I am leaving my Mommy, Lil Brother, and my Big Sister Ebony.

I am going to miss them all dearly, but especially Ebony. I know that's kind of harsh but we are super close. She's my best friend/better half/ partner in crime/Ace/ right hand.. (you get the picture)

She told me she is going to miss me too. But, today I felt otherwise. I feel like I annoy her sometimes and she does talk to me like a little kid. We have been arguing like crazy lately. Maybe because subconsciously we are mad we are parting.

I swear I love being up under her. I look up to her regardless of all her decisions and mistakes. She is the effin coolest. I love her so much but she cut me deep. She was leaving the house when I was pulling up. I asked her, "where you going?" She said, "I'm about to go to the movies."

Of course I wanted to go.. but to make a long story short I had to pee and she didn't want to wait for me. She didn't text me or call me to ask if I wanted to go. She said, "I just want to go by myself."

Yup she pulled my heart right outta my chest. It may seem small to you, but to me every single second counts for me. Because come next week I can't tweet her or text her and say "Okay see ya when you get home, or wanna come to the store with me?"

Those are the little moments and outings I enjoy and look forward to. I almost cried when she turned me down. I TRULY understand that sometimes that people need time to themselves when they are going through some things, but why this week?

I know I could be wrong and seem selfish but could one not think the same for her. I don't know who is wrong here. Of course I still love her to death and I forgive her....

we been doing it BIG since the beginning

And still do NOW

More About Men

This weekend I was Richmond/Petersburg for my step-brother's High School graduation. I was excited to be there and take part in all those festivities. However, I knew some skeletons would resurface. I felt it and it rocked me to the core.

Now this affect of the upcoming events was not fear or joy it was because I didn't know what to expect. I DID know that I would run into a guy that I had a thing for for about 6 or 7 years now... Surprisingly enough he was my step-brothers half brother.

Let me further explain... My stepmother's stepson from a previous marriage. Does that make sense? Either way we are in no direct relation, for that matter indirect as well.

So years ago, we met when we visited my father about an hour and a half away with his new GF *by the way we knew that they were involved while my parents were together* So all the while my sister and I knew was that she had a 10 or 11 year old son.

We get there and we meet her, the son, and in comes Mister (yes we will call him Mister) with the caramel colored skin, big brown eyes, athletic build, nice smile, and great height.

I swear when I saw him my heart pitter pattered and our eyes locked. So we stayed up all night talking. He was a senior in high school and I was a freshman. Then we kissed and that thing turned my world upside down. It was more so what he said that made it so sweet and innocent. He said " I want to do something but I know if I just go for it you might slap me." I said "I would never hit you." Then we kissed and I felt it all over my body.

Ever since then Ive been looking for a kiss like that. But back to the story... I believe he was my 1st love... also first heart break. One time we visited and he told me he had a girlfriend. It hurt but I got over it. Then after countless heartbreaks from no good guys he stays in the back of my mind.

So currently, well this past weekend, I see him again at my brothers graduation and he comes with his girlfriend. I believe she is my age. She seems nice but she is a little awkward. She was staring at me like she knew a secret or something but whatever.

This guy was so different, yes Mister. Its like he was putting on a show and like he couldn't interact with me at all. I'm not expecting things to be as they were because he has a girl and I respect that. For I am no home wrecker or destroyer of what someone has.

Mister couldn't even look at me. He hugged me but it was not the same. Maybe he does love her. It's not my place to question that but I felt different too. I didn't have that same butterfly effect going on in my stomach that I usually do when I see him. I guess I'm over him.
CASE CLOSED! (LOL)

My dad is nasty. He is 43 years old and he looks great. This guy needs to control himself though. He is remarried but I know he stepping out on her.

This is how I know.

#1 I am talking to him about my little brother having girls call the house and how he taking some other girl to the 8Th grade dance that doesn't call the house. Then he says "Oh yeah he definitely has our blood in him. Straight Player" I'm thinking what? You just condoned cheating?

#2 My sister was going through his phone and saw some pictures of some lady. She wasn't my step mother.

#3 We are at the grocery store and he is looking at everything walking like a hungry wolf.

So I don't know what to say about men. Why do they think that they can manipulate women, lie, cheat, totally disregard their feelings, and so much more. What makes it worse is that men encourage each other for ill behavior. That crap is annoying from the young'ns to the old heads: Men will be MEN.

I LOVE IT!!

So, recently I have been going through some things and there are just changes coming at me left and right. Ive had my natural hair for like 3 years now and I was ready to relax.

The other day i was on twitter and this guy I follow quoted Marcus Garvey, " Don't relax the kinks from your hair, remove them from your brain."

Ive been familiarized with this quote for some time now but that day it really set in. I love my hair this way. I feel so free being natural.

I'm keeping it the way my Creator intended it to be and its beautiful. I did a SLIDE SHOW/video on my journey..

Why Must She Always Break My Heart

My cousin really hurt me today. She is 17 and walks around as if the whole damn world owes her everything. Let me give you the rundown:

I must admit she had a rough childhood. Things went really sour between her and her mom and she had to move from New York to VA to live with my grandmother.

Upon being here she was basically noted EVIL, Strange, Weird, Emo, Hateful, Stupid, Ugly and some more mean things. It was my family that has been telling her all these mean things about herself and she's been here for maybe 2 - 3 years.

My grandmother, uncle, cousins, and aunt have been the culprits for calling her these mean things. And when you hear that negativity from people that are supposed to love you, you eventually believe. I mean this girl has been through hell with her mother as far as we know and maybe even alot more.

So while this girls confidence is being beat down daily my mother decides to take her in because she was stressing my grandmother out. Here my mother was trying to teach her things that a 15 or 16 year old girl should already know how to do. For instance keeping your body clean, taking care of your stuff, doing chores, and making good grades.
She was making great progress and she seemed cold and rude at first but she warmed up. At the end of the year she got really great grades and my mother just told her "Great Job". I think this is where we went wrong. We praised my little brother with so much stuff when he made good grades but we saw her as his equal and we didn't follow through with her.

Her grades started to slip again and then she stole money from my mother and she had to go. My mother sent her back to my grandmothers after a year and a half. Then she was moved to my Uncles because my grandmother was in the hospital and now she is back with my grandma.

So when she was with my mother she did everything for her... Bought school supplies, clothes, and whatever else she needed. So when she moved back with my grandmother I took on that responsibility.

Yeah I was living out on my own (with a roomie) and I was barely making it myself. But, I love her and I made it my responsibility to make sure she had things she needed. My grandma said she would take her to get clothes and a back pack and shoes.

Never happened. I had to sacrifice things I needed to do and I didn't even think twice. I couldn't imagine starting a new school year with no new clothes and shoes. I paid for her to get her hair done,giving her spending money here and there. Now mind you I didn't get a thank you from anyone.

Some more things went down where I was fussing with family members about her and I started to cry. And cry and cry for this little broken girl.

Now she is in her senior year of graduating and she said she didn't want to do prom or graduation. A month before prom she says she wants to go. SO I was like okay. I will take my little unemployment checks and help her pay for prom. She then changed her mind - no problem.

Now Today, she says that she wants to attend her graduation Ceremony. The graduation is Saturday. She has not even paid her senior dues or debts.

I'm heartbroken because I'm going to be in Richmond at my Step Brothers graduation and I can't miss that because we had this planned out for weeks now. It just disturbs my soul that she thinks she can just make these life changing decisions that affects many people. I know her and her mom will never have a very close relationship but she would have busted her ass to come to VA to see her graduate.

How can she be so selfish?

UGH

I am just over people talking to me like I'm a little kid. I know I may do "child like" things with my coloring, dancing around, short attention span, and care free attitude, But come on!!

I'm a fully grown 21 year old WOMAN! My mother blaming me for everything. Siblings talking down to me. SOmethings gotta change. Im just so over it.

UNTITLED

So last night I was counting sheep 9..10..11..12..13... When I jumped up because these thoughts were running through my head and this sad song played in the background...


I put those thoughts on paper and this is a new Artist Ive found and her deep lyrics and soul match my "Untitled" poem. ...




2 tears fell from 2 eyes that only see past pain and hurt.
These two eyes stare retrospectively at a face in the mirror.
The mirror shows one once a believer in love when an offender turned their back.
Equally added a new deceived the equation of love multiplied by infinity.
This cycle of glances slowly build up a chill in the backbone of faith in this addition becoming stagnant and stink from repetition.
Snowballing down the Innocent's face.
First freezing its core so slowly.
Then the heat of deception burns so hot its flesh and veins burn away leaving no traces of life.
A new rain comes and washes away the ashes and the life grows and rejuvenates.
A pure beginning for another chance and the wells fill with water once again.
Forcing up through deep damaged roots pouring through the portals of a jaded soul

BOTTOM OF A LANDFILL

So Today I awake at 2:44 pm feeling like somebody dropped a piano on me from outta the sky. I had no intentions waking up this late because I went to bed around 2. Honestly, I've been feeling like this damn near everyday for a while. And I'm starting to wonder what the heck is going on with me?

HMMM... whats going on with me? Let's analyze my year so far. I lost my job back in December resulting in drinking myself into oblivion. Being drunk ALL the time lead me to do some things that I will never speak on. That's between me and my creator.

Losing my job and not being able to find another one I then had to move from the house me and my roomie were living to back at home with our parents. However I didn't go home just then. I stayed at my grandmas and did some more unmentionable things like getting drunk all the time. Let's say things I would not have done had I been sober.

Anyway, my Grandma was set to come home and I booked home to Mommy.

Living with my mother is like hell. When I 1st got there my brother who is younger would make snide remarks about my unemployment and not having a car. OH YEAH I almost missed an important detail: I blew out my engine while leaving the club one night!
So lets tally that up : No home, no money, no job, and no car.

Now through all of this stuff I haven't even cried one bit. I PRIDE MYSELF on being strong.

All the while I was dating and things were fine. This one guy even asked me if I needed money and things like that but my pride wouldn't let me. I met him at a club one night. (Its awesome being a girl - free cover everywhere!)
Back to the important things though. I finally got a job in March at this Ghetto Call center and I was grateful for what I had. I was sooo happy things would be back to normal again with some saving and planning. So much for wishful thinking. I got sick probably from all the stress and was in the bed for 2 weeks. In return I lost my job because I was there for 3 weeks and I was still in training. So back to square one. Ive had some interviews and stuff but I never got the job.

So ever since I got sick..my health has not been right. I feel sick and tired all the time and unhappy. So since I'm not working I have a lot of time to myself and I think all the time. My mind races constantly. My sleeping habits are deplorable and my head always throbs. Sometimes I'm not tired at all and don't sleep, other days like today I could sleep forever.

Now in the midst of all of this Ive decided to move back to NY. I guess I need a city with a heartbeat that I can feel. Opportunities are so vast there and I know I will have no excuse to fail like I have done here in Newport News, VA. Is that reason enough to be depressed and in the bottom of a landfill.

Is It Really Me?

Memorial Day is just passing and we are entering into the crazy long nights of summer. Well Friday, I get a text message from my sister saying, "Let's go the the Alley!". I agreed to attend this night club. When she got home we got dressed and arrived around 11pm. There are women (scratch that: females) walking around with dresses that don't cover their behinds, breasts, or child birth stretched stomachs. Of course I am used to this environment, but I am clearly getting older and don't have tolerance for that crap.

However, I met this fine gentleman by the name of Al. He was so respectful. We dirty danced a lot of the night and even spoke face to face. In a nightclub right? GO FIGURE! We exchanged numbers and continued to talk and dance and that was that.

At the end of the night I ran into an old buddy of mine and we chatted it up and I asked him about his marriage and wife. I noticed he wasn't wearing his ring so I asked him about it. This dude had the nerve to say"Oh I lost it a while back." Automatically my record skipped because your wedding band is a symbol of your commitment to this woman and you lost it. Okay, so we exchanged numbers and he mentioned hitting me up and I paid that no mind.
On the ride home I get a call from no one other than my married male friend. My 1st thought was the only reason why he's calling is to see me in an unsavory way and I'm not down for that. Of course the topic was "What are you getting into tonight?" Like HELLO dude its freaking 3 am and I'm trying to get in the bed and you should be doing the same. He contacted me a few more times through out the weekend to tell me about his marriage and how he is unhappy with her, yada yada yada, you looked so good, and I want to see you. What type of woman do I look like?
So this brings me back to the title of this blog: "IS IT REALLY ME?" Do I have this quality about me that makes these men feel that I can be that other woman and be cool with it. This is like the 3rd time this has happened to me within a month or less. I can't remember quite frankly.

"But Amber whats the point of this blog?" you may ask. I'm writing this because yeah even though I'm single and wanting a man in the worst way I can not take anyone Else's. I've seen it done so many times and my heart goes out to the women who are too blind to see what their man is doing. I feel sorry for the women who have been lied to by their men too. Because get this, I went to school with his wife too. Middle and High School. Of course it is not my place to tell her because we are not even friends, but if we see each other we will speak. On that note... next time you cheat, sleep with a taken man or contemplate it; think about the lives you destroy. I know I'm scarred from it. Angela Basset as Bernadine from "Waiting to Exhale" said something like "I need to be held even if it is a lie." I will be damned if that's me...

Retrospectively... HMMM??

Well, now is the season where all my high school buddy's statuses on Facebook are reading, "Gotta study for this final. *deep breath* Just a few more weeks until graduation!" I am so elated for everyone. Pomp and Circumstance plays in everyones mind for that day of schooling is COMPLETELY OVER!! For some atleast. I am so happy that they did the impossible. However, a girl like me; Im not so sure if I could have done that. I've been through heck of alot when high school was over. Yeah some people probably experienced more but it was MY full plate. I know Im not graduating college with my Music Ed Degree and I'm no where close, but I feel like I've been left in the dust. However, I have accomplished alot. Last year I made close to 30,000. (Not to Shabby for a 20 yr old with no degree right?) I managed to move out on my own and hold that down for a year with my roomie. Ive developed tons of talents, did so many things, met new people, cried new tears, and conquered bigger obstacles. On the flip side I failed at new things, took more risks, and cut a lot of people off. That stuff made me stronger but ALL in ALL this time of year with all these college graduations Im not going to sulk around. I will just look at this as motivation. Focus on my music, image, and career and make the best of '09 thats still mine. Much more to come.
Peace and Much luv 2 YA!!

LOVE OF MY LIFE!!

Just recently I met someone that has opened my eyes to something I never experienced. I found love. This thing that I have (relationship) is so great. WE truly love each other. There's no problem with exhibiting our love. When he gives I take and we continually reciprocate. I always knew this guy and we were well acquainted but this new encounter changed my life forever. When I turn him on he opens up and lets his soul pour out to me. You guys know who I'm talking about of course... I STILL do love Him