Heartbreak is Inevitable

And I don't only mean of the romantic type.
Family problems, finances, employment, career goals, confidence... Good grief. The list goes on and on.

All the while I still don't really have someone to confide in. I am quite frankly tired of trying to be vulnerable to someone and saying exactly what is on my mind without any judgement or generic advice. There are all these temporary fixes to finding happiness and being grateful for what I do have in my life, but this.. whatever I am dealing with is going on longer than 3 years.

As of late I  have been trying to stay extremely busy, stay OUT of the house, and or sleep. But those idle moments before bed, waking up, and those dreaded train rides allows me to deal with myself and my problems and it's all too much.

I'm just tired of it all. Pretending like everything is okay is not cutting it anymore. But the fear of me revealing my feelings could be taken as me being melodramatic or attention seeking.  I just think too much.

I thought I was rock bottom before.. Can't get any lower than this.

WHY IS IT SO HARD!?

I know I know.. it isn't supposed to be easy either. Well I am down to the wire. I am almost tapped out completely and I still haven't found a job. I revise my resume soo often in hopes that a job will come through but so far, BAD results.

Last summer I found myself in a similar situation and I got myself out luckily but this week something needs to happen. Im tired of not doing the things I want to do like travel, shop, help others, and just feel secure. Im going to be 24 this year and I feel like Im headed no where fast..still

At least school starts next month, but what am I going to do from now till then?

Alright Already

I've been quite annoyed recently.

Just 6 short days ago, it has been a year since I lost my friend Jasmine. I was a little down and stayed in the house all day even though I promised myself I would not do that. The fact that she's gone bothered me, but not as much as my grandparent's comments about how I handled her death.

They pretty much said, "You kids these days throw away jobs and opportunities like its nothing." And I responded with, "I never gave up a job." I was so kindly reminded that I quit my assignment last summer that I was about 2 weeks into when she passed.

I explained to them that I just couldn't hop back on the bus and come back up here like life was going to be the same. Then my grandmother told me that when my Aunt died she got a week to grieve and went right back to work at the hospital. I commend her for that because I don't know how I could cope with loss then pretty much walk right back into a place that's full of death. But how could she compare deaths?! Yes I know that me and Jasmine were not as close as a mother and daughter but how could she say that I was just lazy and didn't want to work.

As if the circumstances of her death were not traumatic like any other death. And I don't even tell the whole story of her death, I knew her killer too. He's been in my house, we partied together, and worked together too, so for him to take his life as well hurts just as much.

Its just so much stuff that occurred during that time and I have not healed. I tried talking to my grandmother in particular about it but its like "I know you lost a friend, but they're replaceable unlike a daughter." So she will never know the full extent of my struggle with losing my best friend.

I may be wrong, but with my Aunt's death everything is clear cut. We know how and why she died. It was a terminal illness and we know she suffered and it all had to end at the tender age of 26. However, my friends life was snatched away, maliciously with no justice served. She was targeted by her ex-lover, my friend. Then he took his own life. Whatever, I'm no better for making that comparison myself.

hmmmm

things have just been confusing and hectic. i don't know how to feel since i really don't have time for myself. i just keep myself moving with my nose buried in a book on these long train rides to and fro. So draining.

But wait, I have experienced an all too familiar emotion which is sadness due to my forever breaking heart. i guess once i have more time i can get into specifics but for now... Ta-taaa

Love Jones

Not only do I need this movie on DVD... (I'll go hunting for it this week and the soundtrack) but I wish cinematic love was real. I feel that maybe real love that's portrayed in these movies may be possible. I know majority of these story-lines are fanciful but art imitates life, right?

I remember my first love like the back of my hand. I can remember every conversation,  kiss, touch, the taste of his mouth, and every sensation that ran through my body from my interactions with him. But all good things came to an end when he told me that he was in love with his girlfriend. Whom I knew nothing about.

After him, I still remained open to the idea of love. My idea of love is pure and young that will eventually lead to marriage. As of late the consensus seems to be is that marriage is outdated which, in my opinion, diminishes my picture perfect LOVE *sigh* So is real love obsolete as well?

Progress?

The crying finally stopped. I think I'm starting to feel better everyday. Then again I have started shopping again ( As if I ever stopped).  My change in mood could be due to the fact that I take my last final on Tuesday. Or it could be that on Friday I got an email about a job for a company I did temp work for multiple times. It's good pay and benefits and its a very relaxed work environment. We will see how the interview goes this week, if I get one.

The only thing I am completely worried about is if I get this job I don't know if I can handle being a full time student as well. The upside is that I will have money to shop, move out, and hopefully get back to happy me. Ehhh we shall see though. I do want a degree badly but part of me also feels like life is too short to make sacrifices that cause me to be unhappy  for an uncertain future (thanks V. BadBunny!!). I can easily tell you what I want right now, 2-3 years from now, not so certain.

I'm just certain that I don't want to be depressed anymore. I'm still considering if I should talk to a professional about my feelings but I fear that everyone will know. And along with "everyone" knowing I'm scared they are going to judge me or think I'm a drama queen or ungrateful. I know I have plenty to be thankful for but I still can't find lasting happiness in anything.

Little Girl.. you are more

Yesterday afternoon I was on the train and I saw 4 young middle school aged hispanic girls get on the train. Their pants and shirts were extra tight. They also had on big hoop earrings and eyeliner. Then I noticed this man that was sitting down. He was staring at these young girls in the most lustful way ever. It really made me feel weird..

The girls were standing up so I watched his eyes move over their chests, butts, and legs. Continuously. Obviously this man was a pervert because there were clear signs that these females were underage. But I can't put all the blame on the man because what parent would allow their 12-13 year old daughter to walk out of the store with clothes that were fit for a grown woman? I understand all the social pressure of wanting to be pretty and sexy at a young age but these little girls playing dress up everyday, only brings on unwanted attention that a little girl can't handle.

Hell, when I wear my tight pants and short skirts or dresses I sometimes get pissed at the extra attention. So can you imagine the way GROWN men may stare at them and the way they may feel. I don't have any children but I remember the way men used to stare at me and the things they would say. I hated walking past men and to this day I sometimes feel like I'm being stripped down to my bra and panties by their eyes.

But I know that this is a different day and age from 10 years ago when I was a teenager. These provocatively dressed girls turn in to provocateurs and start talking back to these older guys. And then that opens a whole case of worms.


All in all I just want everyone to keep encouraging these young girls and teach them to enjoy being children. Being a woman is a huge role to play and it is sometimes scary. I really wish parents would teach their little princesses to be just that and constantly tell them that they are loved and beautiful. Tell them that their minds are far more powerful than what they can fathom so they can grow to be strong, confident, WOMEN.