Friday, May 29, 2009

UNTITLED

So last night I was counting sheep 9..10..11..12..13... When I jumped up because these thoughts were running through my head and this sad song played in the background...


I put those thoughts on paper and this is a new Artist Ive found and her deep lyrics and soul match my "Untitled" poem. ...




2 tears fell from 2 eyes that only see past pain and hurt.
These two eyes stare retrospectively at a face in the mirror.
The mirror shows one once a believer in love when an offender turned their back.
Equally added a new deceived the equation of love multiplied by infinity.
This cycle of glances slowly build up a chill in the backbone of faith in this addition becoming stagnant and stink from repetition.
Snowballing down the Innocent's face.
First freezing its core so slowly.
Then the heat of deception burns so hot its flesh and veins burn away leaving no traces of life.
A new rain comes and washes away the ashes and the life grows and rejuvenates.
A pure beginning for another chance and the wells fill with water once again.
Forcing up through deep damaged roots pouring through the portals of a jaded soul

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

BOTTOM OF A LANDFILL

So Today I awake at 2:44 pm feeling like somebody dropped a piano on me from outta the sky. I had no intentions waking up this late because I went to bed around 2. Honestly, I've been feeling like this damn near everyday for a while. And I'm starting to wonder what the heck is going on with me?

HMMM... whats going on with me? Let's analyze my year so far. I lost my job back in December resulting in drinking myself into oblivion. Being drunk ALL the time lead me to do some things that I will never speak on. That's between me and my creator.

Losing my job and not being able to find another one I then had to move from the house me and my roomie were living to back at home with our parents. However I didn't go home just then. I stayed at my grandmas and did some more unmentionable things like getting drunk all the time. Let's say things I would not have done had I been sober.

Anyway, my Grandma was set to come home and I booked home to Mommy.

Living with my mother is like hell. When I 1st got there my brother who is younger would make snide remarks about my unemployment and not having a car. OH YEAH I almost missed an important detail: I blew out my engine while leaving the club one night!
So lets tally that up : No home, no money, no job, and no car.

Now through all of this stuff I haven't even cried one bit. I PRIDE MYSELF on being strong.

All the while I was dating and things were fine. This one guy even asked me if I needed money and things like that but my pride wouldn't let me. I met him at a club one night. (Its awesome being a girl - free cover everywhere!)
Back to the important things though. I finally got a job in March at this Ghetto Call center and I was grateful for what I had. I was sooo happy things would be back to normal again with some saving and planning. So much for wishful thinking. I got sick probably from all the stress and was in the bed for 2 weeks. In return I lost my job because I was there for 3 weeks and I was still in training. So back to square one. Ive had some interviews and stuff but I never got the job.

So ever since I got sick..my health has not been right. I feel sick and tired all the time and unhappy. So since I'm not working I have a lot of time to myself and I think all the time. My mind races constantly. My sleeping habits are deplorable and my head always throbs. Sometimes I'm not tired at all and don't sleep, other days like today I could sleep forever.

Now in the midst of all of this Ive decided to move back to NY. I guess I need a city with a heartbeat that I can feel. Opportunities are so vast there and I know I will have no excuse to fail like I have done here in Newport News, VA. Is that reason enough to be depressed and in the bottom of a landfill.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Is It Really Me?

Memorial Day is just passing and we are entering into the crazy long nights of summer. Well Friday, I get a text message from my sister saying, "Let's go the the Alley!". I agreed to attend this night club. When she got home we got dressed and arrived around 11pm. There are women (scratch that: females) walking around with dresses that don't cover their behinds, breasts, or child birth stretched stomachs. Of course I am used to this environment, but I am clearly getting older and don't have tolerance for that crap.

However, I met this fine gentleman by the name of Al. He was so respectful. We dirty danced a lot of the night and even spoke face to face. In a nightclub right? GO FIGURE! We exchanged numbers and continued to talk and dance and that was that.

At the end of the night I ran into an old buddy of mine and we chatted it up and I asked him about his marriage and wife. I noticed he wasn't wearing his ring so I asked him about it. This dude had the nerve to say"Oh I lost it a while back." Automatically my record skipped because your wedding band is a symbol of your commitment to this woman and you lost it. Okay, so we exchanged numbers and he mentioned hitting me up and I paid that no mind.
On the ride home I get a call from no one other than my married male friend. My 1st thought was the only reason why he's calling is to see me in an unsavory way and I'm not down for that. Of course the topic was "What are you getting into tonight?" Like HELLO dude its freaking 3 am and I'm trying to get in the bed and you should be doing the same. He contacted me a few more times through out the weekend to tell me about his marriage and how he is unhappy with her, yada yada yada, you looked so good, and I want to see you. What type of woman do I look like?
So this brings me back to the title of this blog: "IS IT REALLY ME?" Do I have this quality about me that makes these men feel that I can be that other woman and be cool with it. This is like the 3rd time this has happened to me within a month or less. I can't remember quite frankly.

"But Amber whats the point of this blog?" you may ask. I'm writing this because yeah even though I'm single and wanting a man in the worst way I can not take anyone Else's. I've seen it done so many times and my heart goes out to the women who are too blind to see what their man is doing. I feel sorry for the women who have been lied to by their men too. Because get this, I went to school with his wife too. Middle and High School. Of course it is not my place to tell her because we are not even friends, but if we see each other we will speak. On that note... next time you cheat, sleep with a taken man or contemplate it; think about the lives you destroy. I know I'm scarred from it. Angela Basset as Bernadine from "Waiting to Exhale" said something like "I need to be held even if it is a lie." I will be damned if that's me...